Breaking The Girl
by MissyBlack31
Summary: Bella claims she's not suicidal or crazy, but somehow her father just doesn't believe her, what with all the motorcycle stunts and cliff dives she's been attempting as of late. No one understands, she must seek out danger to hear his beautiful voice, to see his lovely face. The love of her life has left her but can she really get him back or is it all in her head? AU/AH
1. Chapter 1

**a/n: This story was inspired by both the movie Girl Interrupted and Red Hot Chili Pepper's song _Breaking The Girl. _It is somewhat dark and twisted. AU/AH Rated M for language and adult situations. Big props to Casey for all her beta work. Thank you! **

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 1**

_**Twisting and turning  
Your feelings are burning  
You're breaking the girl  
She meant you no harm  
Think you're so clever  
But now you must sever  
You're breaking the girl  
He loves no one else**_

**day 1**

The rain is pelting the windows of the cruiser in a steady rhythm as my father pulls out onto the interstate. The shock of his snatch and grab is starting to wear off and now I want nothing more than to claw the fuck out of his face and run as fast as my legs will carry me.

"This is truly fucking unbelievable, Charlie!"

I'm screaming and kicking the back of his seat. I will not come quietly. Probably why he has decided to stick me in the back of his police cruiser for the drive.

_Fucking traitor._

"Bells, cut that shit out. We have a four hour drive and I really don't want to have to come back there and cuff you for the duration. You copy?"

"Fuck you." I mumble in return but put my legs down and slouch in my seat.

I sit back staring out the window, once again trying to figure out how I got myself in this fucked up situation to begin with. I was just finishing my junior year of college. I was on the Dean's list. I was in a very happy, committed relationship with the man of my dreams.

I had a plan. A very clear plan. A plan that did not include being chucked into a mental hospital.

I'm very tempted to start kicking the seat again.

Instead I close my eyes and drift off, all the fight draining out of my body as my thoughts wander to the last time I saw Edward.

"_Why? Why are you doing this?" _

_Edward sighs, his hand tugging at his hair like it does when he's feeling stressed. _

"_Bella … I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I'm done."_

"_What do you mean your done? What the hell does that mean? What did I do? I don't understand!"_

_Tears are streaming down my face, my nose is running, I'm sure I look like hell but I don't give a damn. My world is falling apart around me. How could he do this to me?_

"_You didn't do anything, Bella! I just … I need to get out there. Experience life. You do too. You don't marry your first boyfriend. You don't settle with your high school sweetheart unless she's knocked up … I just think we need to be with other people. See other things. Maybe we'll end up together again … I don't know. I just know I need to get the hell out of Washington. All this rain … fucking depressing weather. I need a chance to shine too, you know?"_

_No I don't know. I have no fucking clue what he's talking about. He seems to realize this and his hands leave his hair to pull me into a hug. I think I might puke. _

"_Bella, baby. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Please promise me you'll try? Please?"_

_I can't feel my heart. It feels like it might have fallen out of my chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I push him away, holding my body tightly with my arms, trying to hold my insides together. _

"_I … I don't think I can live without you, Edward."_

_Edward's face gets serious and he grips my arms tightly in his hands, shaking me slightly._

"_God dammit, Bella. Would you fucking breathe? Fuck." He takes a deep breath himself and loosens his grip. It doesn't matter. I'm sure there will be five small bruises on each of my arms when he's gone._

_A souvenir. _

"_Bella. Promise me. Promise you won't do anything stupid."_

_I can barely breathe but I can't deny him, even now. I nod my head and whisper. "Okay."_

_He kisses my head and goes back into the house to pack, leaving me alone on the porch, feeling destroyed and alone._

Charlie shakes me roughly. "Bella, honey, wake up. We're here."

I get out of the car and follow him wordlessly out of the car and into the doors of the hospital.

The sign outside reads CLAYMOORE "A community that cares."

I squeeze my eyes tight and focus on breathing and taking small steps. Breathing and walking. Its about all I'm capable of anymore.

Charlie opens the door and makes a sweeping gesture with his arm, ushering me in.

I walk in and follow him down the hall to check in. We are greeted by a nurse who appears to be somewhere in her early thirties. Her badge reads NURSE CARMEN. She introduces herself, welcomes us, and walks us to the head doctor's office.

The plaque on the door reads DR. CARLISLE CULLEN, MD.

She knocks twice on the door and waits for a response before opening the door and stepping inside. We follow and are greeted by a very handsome blonde man, possibly early forties, with a wide smile to go with his good looks.

"Welcome. I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen. You can call me Carlisle." He shakes Charlie's hand as I fall into a chair in front of the desk. I can't be bothered. Despite all the pleasantries, I'm being brought here against my will and I have no intention of being polite for it.

Doctor White Teeth takes it all in stride. "Please, sit down."

Charlie smiles and takes a seat, thanking the quack and they start talking particulars while I stare out the window and count backwards in my head, doing my best to ignore them and push down my panic.

When I start paying attention again, I look around to see that Charlie has already left and Dr. Hotness is standing by his desk, looking at me intently.

I get the impression that he probably just asked me a question, so I nod.

_Why the hell not? 50/50 chance its the right answer. Thanks for saying goodbye dad. Asshat. _

"Yes? Yes, you want to sit in my office all day?"

_Right. So no was the word I was looking for … my bad._

I immediately shake my head no.

"No?" The good doctor smiles and opens the door. "Let's show you to your room, get you settled, alright?"

I nod and stand from my chair, following silently. The halls are just like any other hospital I've visited, and I've visited many.

_Stark white, check. Cold as a fucking crypt, check. _

I'm thinking of tapping my heels and repeating "There's no place like home" as we reach a closed door and Dr. Hotness stops.

"Here we are."

He opens the door and there are two beds, two dressers, one window that's locked of course, and not much else.

O_h, yes … real homey._

Suddenly the second bed registers.

"I have a roommate?"

Dr. Hotness smiles and nods, prodding me into the room with a gentle tap to the back.

"Yes. Alice is in therapy right now. You'll meet her soon."

He points to the bed and dresser on the right that are empty. "This will be your side of the room. Go ahead and make yourself at home. The nurse will be in to discuss your schedule tomorrow. Tonight, just get some rest."

His smile is so kind, so warm, that I resist the urge to make another sarcastic comment.

_Besides, sleep is sounding pretty good right now …_

"Thanks, Doc." I answer, going over to my side and tossing my bag on the floor.

"Carlisle." He reminds me and with a wave, he's gone, shutting the door and locking it behind him.

"Home sweet home." I whisper to the empty room. I tuck in under the well-worn quilt without bothering to take off my clothes or shoes.

I stare at the wallpaper peeling near my floorboards as I slowly drift off to sleep.

**a/n: Thank you for reading and please review. ;D**


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: So I realized that it's been ten days since I posted last. That just seems like too long! So ... I'm sending you out a double serving my lovelies! Look after chapter 2 and you'll find ... you guessed it, chater 3! All tonight! All because I love you. ;) Thanks for reading!**

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 2**

**day 2**

I wake up suddenly, that itchy uncomfortable feeling crawling down my spine, and turn over to see a small girl sitting cross-legged on the bed beside mine. Staring at me. Literally boring holes into my back with her wide, unblinking eyes.

_Well, that's not freaky at all._

I sigh and sit up and she immediately breaks into monologue.

"Hi! I'm Alice! I was so excited when I found out I'd be getting a roommate. My last roommate left you know. I think she ran off. I'm not sure. I didn't like her much anyway. She would mess up my things and ..." At this point she leans forward and whispers. "She'd urinate on the floor. Can you believe that?" She breaks into giggles and continues talking before I can answer or express my disgust. "They cleaned it thoroughly though. Don't you worry. No odorous fumes coming from that corner. I told Emmett, I don't want to smell that awful stench when I'm trying to sleep. Emmett is so sweet. He laughed and laughed, said I was just adorable when I wiggled my nose, he's so funny, and then he cleaned it really well. You can't even see a spot there on the floor." She points but again breaks into another verbal tirade so I just shake my head and lay back, half listening as I stare at the ceiling and wishing like hell I could run away too.

The bed is stiff and hard. I try to stretch and grimace. Everything aches, my back and head especially. The walls are wallpapered, all pastel flowers, but the ceiling is a dingy yellow. I wonder if they allowed smoking in this room back when it wasn't a criminal offence.

_I could use a cigarette right now ..._

When I look up again, she's standing right beside my bed and I nearly fall off of it in surprise.

"How the hell did you get over her so quietly?!" I shout.

She just laughs and puts her hands behind her back, swaying side to side like a small child. She is sort of endearing, in a creepy sort of way. I can't help but laugh a little too, her giggles are so sweet and innocent. I take the time to really look at her. She's really tiny, and with her short spiky hair and heart-shaped face, she could pass for an escaped Christmas elf. Her clothing is colorful and stylish, but they don't help to make her look any older. If anything, she looks like a little girl playing dress-up.

"I'm Bella." I finally say, the first words I've spoken since she woke me. I glance at the clock and realize that was thirty some minutes ago.

_Wow._

"Oh, I'm Alice. Nice to meet you." she replies with a bright smile. "Are you hungry?"

I wonder how I should answer. She's likely to offer me a toenail as easily as she might offer me a Twizzler. I settle for shrugging my shoulders.

Alice laughs again. "That's normal. I wasn't hungry my first day here either. I wanted to see everything and meet everyone. Who has time for things like eating when there's so much that's new around you, right?"

I nod and smile.

She walks over to the door and peers out the little window near the middle of the steel panel. She's so short, she has to stand on tip toe in order to look out.

"I knew it! It's nearly dinner time. I always know these things. Emmett says I'm kind of physic that way." She giggles again.

I make myself stretch and get out of bed. I'm not very hungry, not really, but I would like to see what's outside this room. I walk over to the door and go to turn the handle, only to find it's locked.

I frown. "They lock us in … all the time?"

Alice nods so hard she looks like a bobble head. "Oh yes. They don't want us wondering around haphazardly, you know? Don't worry. They let us out for meals and bathroom use."

I cross my arms and look out the window.

"No wonder your past roommate pissed on the floor." I mumble as we wait for the orderly to open our pen.

_What a fucking nightmare._

Five minutes later, a young guy with large muscles and dimples is coming towards our door with a key ring. He has curly dark hair and the most honest face I've ever seen. He's adorable.

"Is that Emmett?" I ask Alice, who is still on tip toe beside me.

"Oh yes. Here he comes to let us out. Told you it's meal time." She's bouncing again.

_I wonder …_

"He your boyfriend, Alice?"

Alice gives me an astonished look, shaking her head furiously. "Oh no! Emmett isn't my boyfriend. Don't say those kind of things about Emmett! Rose will get very angry with me. Very angry." She bites her lip worriedly and looks up at me with big, pleading brown eyes.

_Jesus._

"Okay! Okay! Calm yourself. I won't. Who's Rose?"

Emmett comes over to our door and unlocks it, a breathtaking grin on his face. I'm a little jealous of this Rose chic, but only for like a minute before I'm flooded with guilt and my thoughts of course turn to Edward and his smile, and his face, and then I feel a sharp jabs of pain in my chest.

"You'll meet her at dinner, not that she eats. She sits with Esme …" Alice cuts off mid-sentence when she sees my face. "Oh no! Bella are you okay?!"

I try to nod but I'm having a hard time breathing. Emmett takes that moment to open the door.

"Whoa, girl. You alright? Alice, what happened?"

I fall to my knees, struggling for breath, they're all short and choppy, and feel like I might pass out any second. Emmett carefully lifts me and carries me over to my bed. Alice is right on his heels, babbling ninety words per minute. I can't make any of it out, my ears are ringing too loudly. My breaths are coming faster and faster.

"Alice, I think she's having a panic attack. Call for help." Emmett booms.

I hear Alice rush out of the room and just before everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: Here is chapter 3! Who loves you baby? Make sure to review both chapters, pretty please with an Emmett on top (with a side of Sexy CC and Dirty Talking James). :) Thanks!**

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 3**

**day 3**

When I wake up again, I'm not in our room. I'm in what looks like a hospital room. The bed is hard beneath me, silver guard rails on both sides of it. There's a blue striped curtain around my bed and a monitor is hooked up to me, an IV is secured to my arm.

"Hello?" I whisper, swallowing. It feels like I've swallowed nails.

I hear shuffling feet and then the curtain is ripped open and there stands Dr. Hotness.

"You gave us quite a scare yesterday, Bella." he tells me, checking my machines and writing things down on his legal pad.

"Yesterday?" My voice is scratchy and my throat hurts worse even though I've only spoken two words. I raise my hand up to rub it, wincing at the pain.

"You were screaming some during the night until we gave you a mild sedative. You may feel some discomfort in your throat for a couple of days." He hands me a Styrofoam cup which I take gratefully, sipping and then sighing at the immediate relief it gives me. Ice water never tasted so freaking good.

I remember screaming in my sleep at home. I remember the nightmares so well. They always took place in the woods. I'd be searching for Edward, running after him but never finding him until I'm completely lost and alone, lying on the cold ground. My skin would turn white and I'd be as cold as a corpse.

I feel the waterworks threaten with the memories and quickly look away from the good doctor. He sits near the end of the bed and waits for me to take a deep breath and blink away the tears.

Several minutes go by before I look back at him. "Am I in the hospital?"

He smiles and pats my leg. "You're still in Claymoore, Bella. We are a fully equipped hospital as well as a treatment facility. You can return to your room tomorrow once we've started your medication."

I tense. I don't like the sound of that at all. "Medication? What kind of medication?"

"Just something to keep you calm and help with your anxiety. You will also take an antidepressant."

I want to argue that I'm not depressed.

_I was dumped! I'm sad! For the love of Judah! Everyone gets sad once in a while, don't they? _

But then my mind travels back in time to the fainting spell I had yesterday and I have to agree that maybe a little something for my panic attacks, just to take the edge off, might be helpful.

But just for now... my mind is filled with dark images of my pill head mother and her asinine friends, staying up all night swapping prescription meds, boyfriends, and body shots.

_I will never be like her._

"We're all here to help you, Bella. The medication is an important part of that. Okay? Now get some rest. I'll be back to check on you in the morning."

I lie back without protest, promising to rest and coöperate with the nurses, rolling my eyes as Dr. Hotness saunters out of the room.

I say saunter because he really does have that confident stride down. It's damn sexy.

_If this hospital is full of hot men like Dr. Hotness and Emmett, maybe it's the perfect place to cure me of my broken heart. _

No sooner do I think the words, another cover model guy walks into my room. He looks over at me and smiles, grabbing the waste can and emptying into the trash bin on his cart. His smile is predatory. He's sexy in that bad boy kind of way. He's wearing green scrubs and the shirt fits tightly to his chest and upper arms. His hair is dirty blonde and pulled back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He has that five o'clock shadow look going on.

_Okay … motorcycle magazine cover model … but still very hot … __but not the kind of guy I'm typically attracted to … however just the type to bring back Edward. _

I shake my head at myself and smile back at him.

He then licks his lips all slow and seductive, like some Lothario off of a soap opera on Telemundo.

_Yes … I would know. Being alone leaves me with little else to do than watch Spanish television. Daytime TV sucks. _

Janitor guy narrows his eyes at me, like a cat about to pounce. He's taken another small step forward.

_Do I look like the type who spooks easily? Yes … I probably do. _

That's when I hear it.

The voice I thought had disappeared from my life forever.

Edward's voice.

"_Bella! Just look away. He's dangerous, Bella!"_

I can see Edward's face floating before my eyes, like he's standing right beside me. In my vision he looks so worried, wide green eyes and wild auburn hair. I gasp and my body bolts upright, now sitting on the bed and gaping.

Janitor guy thinks I'm gaping at him and takes a step closer.

"_Bella! Call for help! Do it, Bella. Scream!"_

Instead of a scream, manic laughter bubbles up in me and I start laughing out loud, like an actual crazy person.

_Sweet. _

Janitor guy turns his head to side, like he's sniffing out the crazy or something, before moving closer and staring blatantly at my chest. I look down and realize I'm only wearing a thin hospital gown, barely covered. I blush but just stare right back at him, daring him to make a move.

Just then Emmett opens the door.

"James, you shouldn't be in here."

_Sexy janitor's name is James. Thank you, Emmett, and you're impeccable timing. _

James gives me a wink before turning to Emmett.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, muscle man. Just getting the trash."

He grabs his yellow cart full of garbage bags and cleaning supplies and heads out of the room without another word.

Emmett looks back at me, his sweet baby blue eyes looking at me in concern. "You okay, Bella? Was he bothering you?"

I smile widely. "No, I'm great. No worries. Thanks, Emmett."

He smiles a little smile at me, no dimples this time, and nods. "Well, just be careful."

He leaves the room and I flop back on my bed, giddy with excitement.

_I heard his voice. I can't believe it._

I'm suddenly desperate to hear it again. The ache in my chest has returned full force. The voice is a connection. An imprint of Edward on my soul. It's like the best drug ever invented and I'm a junkie in need of another hit.

He's like my own personal brand of heroin.


	4. Chapter 4

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 4**

**day 10**

"Therapy? What kind of therapy?"

Alice bounces around the room in her usual fluttery way, straightening and re-straightening her wooden doll collection.

_She collects dolls. Need I say more?_

I sit up on the bed to slip on my shoes and Alice stops what she's doing to face me. She's been watching me like a hawk since I returned to our room. It's not as creepy anymore. I guess I'm starting to get used to it.

"Go back to your dolls, Pixie. Nothing to see here. Just putting on my sneakers."

She laughs and wags her finger at me. "They're not dolls, Bella! I've told you. They're Matryoshka dolls. They're collectibles."

I grin at her. We have this argument at least twice a day. "Key word is dolls there, Pixie."

She stomps her foot and turns away from me, back to her dolls. I know she's not really mad. I think she considers me a friend after the week we've roomed together. I know she's the closest thing to a friend I've ever had since elementary school.

_Wow, that's a scary thought._

I stand and walk over to Alice and her dolls. They really are quite pretty. They're hand painted, Alice informed me. I can believe it. It's not the kind of crap you find at Wal-Mart.

"So, therapy?"

Alice smiles. "It's nice. Everyone sits in a circle and talks about their week."

I grimace. "And sing Kumbaya and hold hands? No thanks."

Alice laughs her musical laugh and shakes her head. "No, Bella. There's no singing. It's just a nice chance for us to talk out our troubles."

I shake my head and walk back over to my bed, throwing myself on top of it. "We hear enough about everyone's damn troubles in the cafeteria."

Alice skips over to me and sits gently beside me. "Yes, but it's still different. Carlisle will be there too."

I actually snort when I look over at her. She has that far away look in her eyes.

"You have a crush on the good doctor?" I tease her.

She jumps up, hands on her hip, getting all defensive. It only makes me laugh more.

"I do not!" she squeals, stamping her foot.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." I answer with a chuckle.

Alice narrows her eyes at me and attacks, her tiny form colliding with mine, sending us both onto the floor in a heap, laughing hysterically.

Just then Emmett unlocks the door, looking down at the floor at us and raising his eyebrows.

"If you two are done practicing for ladies jello wrestling, it's time for group." he says with a big goofy grin on his face.

"Jello wrestling, you'd love that wouldn't you Em?" I tease back, standing and straightening my shirt.

"Don't you know it, Hells Bells." he returns, laughing and holding the door open for us.

This past week, I'd found out that Emmett had a great sense of humor, as well as a bit of mischief-maker in him. Just enough to keep things interesting without actually getting anyone in trouble.

_I sorta miss trouble, but I hadn't seen James around lately …_

I also had learned the hard way that you don't flirt with Emmett in front of Rosalie. The one time I'd smacked his ass as he walked by at lunch, Rosalie had me pinned to the floor with a butter knife to my throat.

_That bitch be crazy._

Now, I keep my distance, mostly sticking around Alice or Leah. Leah is a really cool chick. She's a Native American, some tribe I can never remember, and she has copper-colored skin and short, jet black hair. She's quite attractive until she opens her mouth.

Then she's quite frightening … if you have dick.

She absolutely hates men. Talk about bitter times ten. I mean, I can relate to an extent. The male gender hasn't been so kind to me either, but Leah takes bitterness to a whole new level.

Man-hating aside, she's a very cool gal. She makes these wicked necklaces and bracelets with hemp string and beads. She knows nearly every sitcom ever to air on television and is great at trivia. She kills at Jeopardy every night it's on TV in the rec room. When I told her she should try out for the show, make a cool million, she just laughed and answered she didn't want the white man's money.

She has a cool tribal tattoo of a wolf on her shoulder. When I asked her what it meant, she just glared at me and walked away, so I never found out. I wonder if it has something to do with why she's in this place. It's rumored that she castrated her ex-boyfriend after finding him in bed with her cousin and was legally declared insane to avoid prison time.

But that's just a rumor.

I still haven't figured out Alice. I mean, she's obviously more wired than an espresso drinking spider monkey, but that doesn't explain why she's here. She's so happy, so sweet all the time … I just haven't worked up the nerve to ask her either.

Maybe all will be revealed during 'group therapy.'

_Gag._

Alice and I obediently follow Emmett down the hallway to group. Just as Alice described, there was a circle of plastic chairs, all facing the center. Doc already occupied one seat, note pad in hand and giant, friendly Carlisle smile in place.

Alice and I grabbed two chairs opposite him and waited for the others to trickle in. Once we were all seated, the good doctor looked around at each one of us.

"Welcome back. I know this is a first time for some of you" he nodded in my direction,

_Thanks for singling me out right off the bat, doc._

"but I'm sure you'll find we're a very relaxed group."

I look around the circle. Esme is here, holding her baby doll and singing a soft lullaby. Rosalie is here, legs crossed at the knee and back straight, like she's about to be nominated Ms. America. Leah is here, picking her nails and scowling at the doctor. Alice is tapping her feet and patting her legs, happy and excited as usual. The other women that I don't know by name are either staring off in space or just look plain bored.

_Yeah, real relaxed … or just drugged to the gills._

"Who would like to start?" Doc asks, looking around our small group expectantly.

I automatically shrink a bit in my seat.

A young girl sitting beside the doctor raises her hand. Her name is Lauren. She has very short, choppy hair and a large overbite. She starts talking about how she was a supermodel before coming here and her horrible agent made her cut her hair out of jealousy. As she drones on, I zone out.

_This is going to be worse than I thought. _

Eventually, my head is hanging back in my chair, staring up at the ceiling and then the wall behind me. I'm obviously not paying attention, but the good doctor doesn't call me on it. I almost fall backwards when I see James walk in, collecting the trash, all swagger and nonchalance.

Doc calls over at him, his voice tinged with annoyance for the first time since I met him. "Mr. Gigandet, this is a closed session. Did you not see the sign on the door?"

James makes a big surprised face, eyes wide and mouth in a comical 'O'. "Sign? No, sir. Didn't see a sign. Guess I was just too focused on what I was doing." At this his eyes landed back on me and smiles that creepy smile of his … like I'm something to eat.

I smile back.

This could be interesting … and just the thing to trigger Edward's bossy, protective voice in my head.

I am well aware of how pathetic that sounds, trust me. But it's been a week since I've heard his voice. Alice says I haven't had any screaming nightmares either. I guess I've been pretty mellow since I started taking the happy pills Doc prescribed for me, but I still feel this void.

The void in my chest where my heart used to be. The place where Edward used to reside. I need him. I miss Edward so damn much.

James left right after that, unfortunately, and I was forced to listen to couple other girls I didn't know expound at length about problems that don't even exist.

Seriously. These women are completely bonkers.

I'm pretty sure I am not in any way attracted to Heidi, even though she keeps apologizing for not controlling her secret powers to attract anyone in a ten feet radius of her.

And I'm pretty sure Chelsea is not a princess, since she's from Virginia, so she probably doesn't have to hide from the assassins that are supposedly lying in wait around her room.

Not only do I hear nothing about Alice or any of the other girls that I've befriended here, I'm more convinced than ever before that I need to get the hell out of this place.


	5. Chapter 5

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 5**

**day 13**

_Shiny happy people._

R.E.M. runs through my head over and over again as we all stand in line, waiting like the hungry at the soup kitchen, holding out our hands and waiting for our happy pills.

I finally figured out why I feel like a fake, just going through the motions. I'll admit it was nice at first. Not feeling all that pain, being able to really breathe for the first time in ages. But I am ready to come back from over the rainbow. I love Alice, she has been so sweet to me, always bubbly and happy, but I know this isn't me. It isn't who I am and now I can't bear it anymore. I'm already tired of living this lie. I want to hear Edward, even if it is only in my dreams.

_How did I not figure this out sooner?_

Now I just have to figure out a way out of it. I look over at Leah. I am one hundred percent certain she is not on any happy pills. She sees me watching and smirks.

She's onto me.

She signals her hand with her eyes. I look down. She's wearing her usual fingerless gloves. I watch as Nurse Carmen tells her to open, puts the small paper cup to her mouth, pours in the meds, tells her to swallow, tells her to lift her tongue and moves on. Nurse Carmen moves down the line to the next patient. Leah coughs in her hand, wiggles her fingers, and then does a hand wave like fucking Houdini.

No pills.

_Holy shit!_

Nurse Carmen moves closer and closer as I rack my brain where the hell I could stick the little pills on my body. I'm wearing a flannel shirt, skinny jeans, tennis shoes.

_Shit shit shit._

My head hangs as I realize I have nothing. I want to bang my head on the wall behind me but that would definitely attract unwanted attention. My hair hangs in my face, all snarls and knots.

_What can I say? I don't see any beauty pageants headed our way anytime soon, no matter how perfect Rose looks on any given day. _

Looking like Cousin It could actually be my saving grace today. Nurse Carmen is beside me, I flip my hair back out of my face and give her a smile. She smiles back, shaking her head, probably thinking about how far I've come with her help. I'm sure she has a speech prepared and everything.

Alice is right beside me, as usual, and she takes her medicine, bouncing on her heels and opening her mouth wide to show she's a good girl. Carmen pats her cheek and then it's my turn.

_Showtime._

The cup is at my lips and I say a quick prayer as I take the pills in my mouth and tuck them in my cheek. Carmen has me lift my tongue and then she's onto the next person. I quickly grab the pills from my mouth and stick them in a relatively large knot at the base of my neck.

_Yeah, I should really brush my hair before they shave me bald. I need some gloves …_

We're quickly ushered back to our rooms until lunch time. Alice bounces over to her dolls and opens the largest one up.

"Want to stash your pills with mine?"

_No fucking way._

"How long have you been doing this?"

Alice laughs and skips over to her bed, flopping down on it, and looking up at me smiling.

"I never liked medicine. So icky."

_Right. Icky. That's one way to put it. _

"Alice, where do you put the medicine?"

She gives me a funny look and points to her dresser. "The doll, remember?"

I giggle and shake my head, walking over to her dresser and setting my pills in beside hers, closing the top before walking over to her and sitting beside her on her bed.

"No, silly, I meant … where do you put them when Nurse Carmen gives them to you?"

Alice smiles. "In my ear. I know mama said never to put things in your ears but ..." her face turns serious and she starts whispering. "they never check your ears."

I look at her bewildered for a good ten seconds before we both explode into a fit of laughter.

"Nope. That's true, they never check your ears."

We keep laughing until our sides hurt. Once we finally quiet down, Alice turns to her side and faces me.

"What about the nightmares?"

She sounds so scared and suddenly I feel so guilty. Of course the nightmares would scare Alice.

_Why the hell hadn't I thought of that?_

"Alice, I'm sorry. I hope I don't have them this time … I'm just so tired of feeling numb. I can't do this anymore … I'm sorry."

I'm almost in tears already and Alice grabs my hand again.

"It's okay, Bella. We'll get through it. I'll help."

My eyes still watery, I smile at her and squeeze her hand. "Thanks, honey."

As predicted, the nightmares came and Alice was right by my side, as promised. She woke me before the screaming started. She told me I had tells. I would start to thrash, then moan, then say Edward's name repeatedly, before the actual screaming began.

I began to wonder if she ever slept at all.

**day 17**

My midnight waking had left me quite the zombie during the day. Alice was her usual cheerful self. She's so good to me that I try not to resent her for that. I secretly do a little bit.

I really needed a dose of Leah. Alice made me tired just watching her at times. Recreation time could never come soon enough. Listening to Leah shout at Alex Trebek became the highlight of my day. It not only distracted me from my own sad situation, but it was also a great time killer. Time killed during the day could only mean the faster I'd make it to bedtime, but also the faster I'd see Edward again.

You know … before the screaming starts, my brain helpfully adds. I know how pathetic I am, trust me.

As usual, the girls were crowded around the TV and Leah had control of the remote. I was so intent on getting the seat beside her that I nearly collided with someone I never expected to see.

"Are you okay?"

A trip down memory lane. His deep warm eyes hadn't changed a bit. He was taller and had put on a lot of muscle, but that face. His face looked exactly the same. He was smiling down at me like he always did. My own ray of sunshine.

I forced my voice to work past the lump in my throat with difficulty.

I wanted to say I wasn't okay. Ask him where he'd been when I needed him. Question why he was here in Claymoore. Beg him for one of his warm, reviving bear hugs.

But all I could seem to get out was a stuttered "Jacob?"

**Thanks for reading! Please review! (yes...that box right below. this reader does REALLY appreciate it. :D thanks!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n: Thanks to Casey for all her beta work and pre-reading. Thank you reviewers who have been turning up with each chapter to brighten my day. Love you!**

**BREAKING THE GIRL **

**CHAPTER 6**

**day 17 continued**

"Jacob, what are you doing here?"

Jacob shifted on his feet uncomfortably, tugging at his gray scrubs. "Umm... I work here."

_Gray scrubs … an orderly. Jacob Black is working at my crazy house as an orderly. Unreal._

He looked at me funny and then looked at the girls. I realized I needed to cut that shit in the bud right away. I didn't like the way he was looking at my friends, and yes I now considered many of the girls sitting around that old crappy TV my friends, and I didn't appreciate his judgmental glances.

"Yes, Jacob, I'm a resident. Now, stop looking at all of us like we just shit in public, okay?"

Jacob flashed me one of his signature grins. Oh, how could I have forgotten that smile? It was impossible to be angry at Jacob when he flashed that gorgeous smile of his.

_Dammit._

"Bella, I was not looking at you like … that." He started chuckling. "I can't even repeat that. I was just thinking what a small world it is and how I've found my best friend in the most unlikely of places. I'm thrilled." His smile dialed back a bit and he started stumbling on his words. "Well, not thrilled you're sick of course, just glad to see you … I mean ..."

I had to let him off the hook. He was just too damn adorable.

"Jake, stop. Please, stop. It's okay. I'm sorry I got so defensive. It's good to see you, too. It's been too long."

_There's that megawatt smile again … mission accomplished._

"Way too long without you're personal sunshine if you're in here."

I simply nodded in response. It was a nickname I'd given to him when we were younger. He was always there to lend a shoulder when everything else in my life seemed horrible.

"Well, I have to get back to work. Talk to you soon, Bella."

I walked over to the couch with a smile on my face. Esme had unfortunately taken my seat, the one person I would never ask to move. So I was forced to sit in the chair beside the one person I would never ask … anything.

Rosalie.

I sighed and took my seat. I swear I saw the corner of Leah's lip lift up in a smile, just for a second.

I did the mature thing and made a silly face at her.

"So … Isabella … who were you talking to over there?" Rosalie asked over her nail file.

"So … Rose … shut the fuck up, Jeopardy is on." I responded.

Rosalie gave me a dirty look and walked off huffily while Leah laughed. I decided I should insult Rose in front of Leah more often if it got Leah to laugh like that, something that had never been witnessed before this moment. Everyone just stared at her in shock and that only made her laugh harder, until we were all laughing together.

Later that day in group therapy, we were once again going round and round the rabbit hole. It was like my girls had made a pact and none of them talked. Ever. So, neither did I. We had plenty of 'Chatty Cathys' in our group to break up the silence. So far, Doc hadn't forced anyone to speak if they didn't volunteer in group therapy. He'd wait until our individual therapy sessions with him to poke and prod.

It was boring and monotonous and had become my favorite time to daydream. After seeing Jacob, it wasn't my usual sad circling of the drain either. I started remembering some of my favorite times with my best friend. When we were in middle school, we spent every summer together. Our dads would fish or watch the ball game. Jake and I would toss around a ball or watch scary movies.

I was quite the tomboy back then.

Then high school started and I made friends in Arizona. I threw fits when mom tried to send me to Washington to see my dad. Renee could never say no to me. She was thrilled I wanted to stay with her year round. Who else was going to clean the house or do the grocery shopping? Charlie didn't make much fuss either. Probably glad to avoid the whole awkward teenage daughter phase.

I stayed with Renee. Jacob and I lost touch. The phone calls and emails lasted less than six months. Charlie still called to check on me from time to time, but when I brought up Jacob to see how he was doing, he would always change the subject, his voice choked up and raspy. Over time, I stopped asking.

Then senior year happened. Charlie came out for my graduation ceremony. He was completely shocked to find that Renee was in rehab _again _and I had taken care of myself for months. He insisted I come back to Washington so I wouldn't be left alone.

Returning to Washington of course brought up thoughts of Jacob. Charlie would look at me strangely and shake his head, only saying he didn't venture out to the reservation anymore and then dropping the subject all together.

I went to college and met Edward … which brings me to here.

_Small world. _

My session with the good doctor would be tomorrow. I briefly wondered if I should bring up Jacob during therapy but quickly decided against it. What if Jacob got sacked because he knew me? It was too nice having an old friendly face around to risk it and I would never want to do something that might hurt Jacob. I'd never hurt him on purpose. It would be nice if one good thing came out of this fucked up experience. Maybe Jacob and I would really reconnect, stay in touch this time when I got out of here.

_If I got out of here …_

I'd asked the doctor several times what it would take to get out of here and always received the same answer.

"To be discharged, Bella, I have to be convinced that you are committed to managing your illness and that you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else."

I would nod my understanding while plotting ways to escape out of here without his approval. I really didn't hold out much hope of convincing him but I told him I'd try and follow his instructions.

_Write in my journal, check._

_Take my medication, nope … but Doc didn't know that._

Tonight I'd write about Jacob, the only sunny spot of my entire childhood.


	7. Chapter 7

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 7**

**day 23**

Alice always chattered to herself quietly,usually a litany of favorite cartoon characters, while we waited for morning roll call. Emmett would come unlock the door, Nurse Carmen would check us off the list, and we'd be followed to the bathroom to 'shower, shit, and shave' as Charlie used to charmingly term getting ready for a new day.

Nurse Carmen always waited patiently for us to bathe, watching us closely in case we had the urge to stab ourselves with a Bic razor. It was humiliating and mortifying and it was just another wonderful part of being a patient at Claymoore Hospital.

Modesty is the second thing you surrender when you check-in to this lovely establishment. I'm guessing the first thing would be your pride if I had any to begin with, which I obviously don't since I chase after the voice of a man who doesn't even want me.

Alice, honest to God, had rubber duckies in the bathtub. She didn't shave her legs and lucky for her she didn't really need it, the hair there was soft and barely visible. The nurse would shave her armpits for her because Alice claimed it tickled if she tried to do it.

She would sing and I would be lost in my thoughts. I'd think about Jacob. I'd think about escaping. I'd think about Edward and then almost immediately I'd start plotting a way to hear his voice again. It had still been absent during the day … this place made it fairly impossible to put myself in any kind of danger.

And James had been nowhere to be found …

Once we were finished, we were dressed and carted off to breakfast.

"Oatmeal today!" Alice exclaimed excitably, running off to our usual table.

"Woo hoo." I muttered, walking over at a much slower pace.

Leah looked up and nodded her head in greeting before lowering it again and digging back into her food. She had the appetite of a wolf. I sometimes wondered if that was the secret meaning behind her tattoo. I didn't ask her, my hand would be the next thing to go, and instead sat down and tucked in as well.

Esme was brought over by Nurse Tanya. She was in a wheelchair this morning which meant she was already off to a bad start. Esme had good days and bad days much like the rest of us, except on her good days she'd walk around, baby doll in tow, and sometimes even contribute to the conversation around her. Bad days, she would be in the wheelchair, nearly catatonic, holding her doll tightly to her chest, an almost constant stream of tears running down her cheeks.

I hate seeing her like this. Alice tells me that Esme had a child. Her husband was abusive and did unspeakable things to her. The baby died of mysterious causes only a few days after he was born. Esme was hospitalized the same day and has been at Claymoore ever since.

Today is a bad day and Esme has gone to that dark place in her mind, unwilling to talk or interact with anyone around her. Just seeing her like this makes me want to flee to our room and sob. I eat very little before I'm up and out of the dining room. Esme's dark mood is catching and I want nothing more than to find something, anything to distract me from my morbid thoughts.

Meds are given right after breakfast. I have approximately twenty minutes to myself. As soon as I reach my destination, I know I've made the right decision. Right there, at the end of my hallway, is the ruggedly handsome James.

_Distraction granted!_

He looks up and our eyes meet. I've only taken one step toward him when I hear it.

"_No, Bella! You're in danger! Go back to the other room. Now!"_

Edward is furious, his voice a loud growl of disapproval. I nearly squeal in happiness. I keep it in, barely, and continue on towards James with a crazy big grin on my face. James smiles in return, waving me over to an empty doorway at the end of the hall, looking around to make sure the coast is clear.

Edward's voice and a possible escape? I can't help but pump my arms silently in the air a minute. James just raises his eyebrows, mouthing "Hurry up." I start walking faster.

"_Bella! Please. You promised me! Turn around! He'll hurt you! Go back!"_

I smoked pot once in college. It was nothing compared to this … I feel the high of hearing Edward, the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I haven't smiled this much since the happy pills …

James leads me through a maze of brightly lit hallways until finally getting to some unused part of the building.

"I had no idea how big this place was." I whisper, still giggling like a prepubescent idiot who just sneaked out of the house after curfew. Edward is still shouting at me at me to turn around. I'm starting to bounce on my heels, fully aware how much I must resemble Alice right now.

James smirks pushing me into an empty room. The floor and walls are covered with white padding. I nearly die laughing.

"Padded rooms are an actual thing? I can't believe this … do they actually put people in these?"

James grabs my arms and shoves hard. I'm thrown against the opposite wall, that despite the padding, still stings on impact.

I rub my shoulder and wince.

"That was a little rough, James."

James put his arms on either side of my head, caging me, before smelling me again like a wild animal.

When he grabs my hair and pulls, it's so sudden, I scream.

"Scream all you want, you crazy bitch, no one's coming to save you."

"_He's lying Bella! Scream! Keep screaming!"_

He pulls harder on my hair with his right hand, leaving his left free to roam down my body, squeezing my breasts, my waist, my hips.

I finally obey the voice and start to scream.

Not for the first time, I want to yell at myself "What the hell are you thinking?!" but as James' hand travels up the back of my shirt, round the front to unbutton my jeans, and then back round to cup my bare ass, mostly I'm yelling "Stop! Please, stop!"

James' calloused hand pushes down further, the tips of his fingers now poking at the back of my sex, and I remember what it was like to want to die.

"_Tell him that someone will be looking for you Bella. Tell him you told someone that you were going for a walk and they'll be wondering where you went." _

I nod my head at Edward.

"Yes, you want this, don't you slut? Why else would you have been giving me the doe eyes all month? You were begging for it."

His voice is so cold and heartless, his left hand now working to remove my jeans while still holding me still with his right. My jeans are tight and he's having difficulty. I start talking.

"Alice. She knows where I am. I told her that I was going for a walk and she'll be sending Emmett to look for me. You'd better let me go before they catch you."

James stops his task, just for a moment to look me in the eye. I swear his eyes are red, empty.

I have no hope of getting out of this.

"You told Alice, huh? I imagine she would know where to find you, I've brought her here enough times … but she won't. Poor Alice would never enter the dark, scary basement. Scream all you want. No one is coming."

He laughs loud and obnoxiously, oblivious to what his words have just done.

I am no longer shivering with fear. I am absolutely shaking with the most intense fury I have ever felt in my life.

"You fucking bastard!"

I knee him in the groin, stomping on his instep with my heel and kneeing him in the nose for good measure. Charlie's insistence that I take some personal defense classes last summer come in handy and I pull up my jeans and run out of that room, leaving a bleeding and moaning James behind.

I have no idea how long I'm running before I see him.

"Jacob!"

Jacob turns from the doorway and rushes towards me. "Where the hell have you been? We've been looking for you for almost an hour! Are you okay?" He's looking me over and notices a bite mark on my neck and the state of my clothes. Jacob is pissed. "Who did this, Bella? I'll fucking kill him."

I do the only thing I can do at that moment. I grab him around the waist and just hug him. His arms automatically reach around and hold me close. Jacob hugs are the best hugs, healing hugs I used to call them. They'll heal any injury.

"That would make it worse, Jake … you'd be fired … possibly imprisoned. The only one who should be in prison is James. Just … help me back … please Jacob?"

Jacob issues a quiet "okay", kissing the top of my head before taking my hand and leading me out of the dark.

**a/n: I meant to have this out Friday or Saturday but busy weekend. Sorry for the wait! Please don't hold back the love. R&R. **

**Thank you Casey for your awesome beta work yet again. you rock. :D**

**Missy**


	8. Chapter 8

**a/n: Thanks again to Casey for all your hard work. Thanks to all of you who R&R! *chest pound* You the best! :D **

**BREAKING THE GIRL **

**CHAPTER 8**

**day 23 continued**

"This is all my fault."

Doc leans forward and hands me another tissue. I'd already used an entire box and he was forced to open another.

He doesn't mind because the good doctor is patient and kind and therefore doesn't blame me a bit.

"Bella, you can only responsible for your own actions. I must say I am alarmed by your lack of concern for your own safety, but none of this is your fault."

"Yes it is! How can you say that? Alice wouldn't be clawing her arms and sobbing if it weren't for me! She wouldn't be strapped to a bed an isolation room if it wasn't for me! How is this not my fault?!" I scream back at him, jumping out of my chair only to fall back into it, wishing I could fall through it.

"Bella. If you hadn't come forward, James wouldn't have been arrested. He would have found another victim." The Doc frowns, regret filling his handsome features. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. How could I not have seen? How could this have gone on so long without me knowing?" He shakes his head and sits up, turning his head in attempt to see my face through my arms. "You were very brave. I am proud of you for stepping forward and reporting him."

"But Alice ..."

He shakes his head again and leans across the table. I stop resisting and look up into his eyes. He smiles. "Alice's condition is not your fault either. She hasn't been taking her medications and so her mood swings are worse than normal."

"She's bipolar?"

_How had I not seen this before? _

_Her manic behavior … her hyperactivity … of course, I'd never seen a low before today … it was so awful … my sweet, chipper Alice had disappeared and in her place was someone who truly frightened me. _

"I cannot discuss other patients' diagnoses with you, Bella."

I hug my knees and sigh. I knew that, I did, but I'd hoped he'd tell me anyway.

He leans down and takes a bottle out of a locked drawer of his desk. "Bella, I want you to take this sedative. It will help you get some rest tonight, okay?"

I nod numbly, knowing I'm unable to sleep without Alice. She's not there to wake me before I start screaming, she's not there to keep away the boogie man.

"Better make it two."

He gives me a sympathetic look and after a full examination, gives me two sedatives as well as some aspirin for any pain. He's cleaned the bites on my neck and collar-bone with antiseptic, bandaging the one on my throat because it bled. I wait wearily for him to finish, trying to remember the moment James bit hard enough to break skin.

I can't … and it frustrates me … but I say nothing as I'm led to my room. Nurse Carmen is there, her eyes red and bloodshot and I realize she's probably been crying. It's already starting to get dark. I wonder how long I was gone and then how long I was in a hospital room while Alice was …

I shake my head of my thoughts and try to sink into my pillow. I will myself to disappear into my blankets, swallowed by my mattress, but instead I sink into a dreamless sleep.

**day 24**

When I wake, my head immediately whips over into the direction of Alice's side of the room. Her bed is still empty. I look up to see Emmett standing in the doorway.

I resist the urge to climb back under the covers and sit up, rubbing my eyes. "How long have you been standing there, Em?"

He smiles, without dimples, and looks down at me. "Long enough to know you snore." he teases.

I know what he's trying to do. I know he's just as worried about Alice as I am. I only shrug as I get out of bed and walk over. He stands aside as I silently follow Nurse Tanya to the bathrooms for the morning ritual.

Expecting a quiet breakfast was far too much to hope for. As soon as I'm seated, Leah is next to me, whispering in my ear. "I hope you knocked that mother fucker's dick clear off his body."

I look up at her, a little surprised she knows this much about yesterday's events, and then answer with a quiet "yes." Leah nods solemnly back before returning to her meal, still grumbling quietly to herself. Rosalie saunters over next, not deigning to sit with us lesser beings, but not above making the crass comment.

"I could tell you were a slag the moment I laid eyes on you. First, trying to hit on my Emmett and then running off with James. Pathetic." she sneers, holding her nose in the air.

"Watching too much BBC America lately, Rose? I guess I rather be a … slag, was it? … then a complete fake like you."

Everyone at our table laughs except for Rosalie and me. Rose looks ready to tear my head off and I'm thinking I misjudged the wisdom in poking the hive of the Queen Bee here. Before she can take a swing at me, Emmett is behind her, one big hand on her shoulder and whispering in her ear. She instantly calms at his touch and I can't help but wonder if it isn't all Rose's imagination after all. Emmett seems to genuinely care for her.

That's just … weird and possibly masochistic but then again who am I to judge. Emmett leads Rosalie over to another table and I retreat to my room and stay there for the rest of the day.

Nurse Tanya refuses to let me skip dinner and so I'm forced back into the dining room. I don't speak to anyone. Just pick at my meatloaf and worry over Alice. She hasn't returned to our room. Emmett reassured me that she's doing okay but I know that's a lie.

If she was okay, she'd be back here with me. If she was okay, I'd be smiling at her childish mannerisms. If she was okay, she'd be flitting around the room, singing, like the magical creature she is …

Instead, the room is filled with sounds of scraping forks and knives, low rumbling voices, and Laurent with his broom. Laurent is the nighttime janitor. I suppose he could be up for a promotion now …

I suddenly feel sick to my stomach and shove the last of the plate away and return to my bedroom where I can suffer in private.

It is all my fault. I should never have chased after that voice. I should have known that I'd screw it all up. I'd hurt someone else by my actions. I had to let this obsession with Edward go.

He was never coming back.

He doesn't love me.

It's time to move on.

For the first time in a long time, I want to get better. I want to leave this place and pick up the pieces of my life.

But I know I can't take the medicine. I have to do it on my own.

I fall asleep thinking about Alice. The thought of James touching her giving me the urge to vomit all over again. I can't help but wonder how she kept her innocence, her sweet nature, her open heart after going through such a thing.

The moment the word _rape _enters my mind, my head clouds with pain. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could listen and help her through the pain she's feeling. I wish I could take it all away.

I get up to rescue Alice's pillow from her bed. I bring it over to mine, hugging it and thinking about our futures. Not living here but out of this hospital, on our own in the world. We would be roommates, everyone would mistake us for sisters and we wouldn't correct them. We would come home after a bad date or a hard day at work, one of us would fish out the icecream hidden in the back of our freezer while the other fetched the spoons. We'd sit on the couch eating out of the carton while sharing out secrets.

I would take care of her and she'd take care of me. It's a nice dream but in the back of my mind I know it's nothing more than a dream.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I slip into unconsciousness.


	9. Chapter 9

**BREAKING THE GIRL **

**CHAPTER 9**

**day 24**

I feel a light tap on my foot and it startles me out of a sound sleep.

I sit up, yelling out and reaching out for her. "Alice!"

"Shhh … no, it's me. Quiet. Do you want them to catch me?"

I look up and nearly faint. I can't quite believe my eyes. I rub them and sit up against the headboard, stuttering and nearly speechless as I stare into the green eyes that meet mine.

"Edward. It's not possible." I whisper when I find my voice. I'm afraid to blink, afraid to move a muscle and have him disappear again.

He sits at the end of my bed and smiles. "Very possible since I'm here, eh? I was worried about you. I came to check on you."

I look around the room and out the window. It's dark … really dark. "You're checking on me in the middle of the night? How did you get in here?"

Edward smiles that disarming half-smile of his and holds up a small key ring. "Stole my uncle's keys."

I tilt my head, confused. "Uncle?"

He nods and leans forward. "Uncle Carlisle." He grabs my foot and starts rubbing it, still smiling at me. "Remember how much you used to love my foot rubs."

I simultaneously want to kick him in his smug face and moan out loud at the same time. I restrain myself from doing either and just continue to stare at him quizzically.

We're silent for a couple of minutes, him rubbing my feet and me drinking in his appearance. Slowly, his face changes expression and his mouth is no longer smiling. He's practically glaring at me and I feel myself shrink back slightly.

"You promised you'd try. You said you would stay safe."

I frown. Not only is he ruining my foot rub, he's also spurring an avalanche of emotion that I really don't want to spill right now. So I say simply, "You promised you'd stay." before lying back on my side and curling my feet up under me, watching him cautiously.

He sighs and then slowly removes his shoes and climbs into bed beside me, lying on his opposite side in order to face me. We both fold our hands beneath our faces, mirroring one another. He's so close, so solid, so beautiful, I can't help the silent tears that roll down my cheeks. He reaches over to wipe them away with the pad of his thumb. He doesn't ask why I'm crying. He just comforts me and stays close.

The tears slowly stop but I'm still quiet, just too stunned from being so close to him after being away from him for so long.

"I've missed you so much, Isabella." he whispers, still caressing my cheek and curling my hair behind my ear with gentle finger brushes.

"I've missed you too."

I lift my head slightly, trying to peer over Edward's silhouette at the door. "Isn't there a night guard out there or something?" I ask, wondering what he had to go through to get in to see me tonight.

"No, just a nurse at the nurse's station and a janitor wandering about. Uncle Carlisle is probably still here too. The man pretty much lives at this hospital. Lucky he doesn't have a jealous wife at home."

"He's your uncle? But your last name is Masen?" I ask, very curious at the relation.

_Of all the hospitals in all the state, I'm in the one where Edward has family. _

_Small world indeed._

"Related on my mother's side. Her maiden name was Cullen."

"How did you know I was here? Did Charlie tell you?"

Edward narrows his eyes at me. "Of course, the father you refused to introduce me to told me all about his ill daughter's whereabouts. Sound likely?"

I blush. "I was going to introduce you .. then you left." I feel my voice catch and my eyes are once again teary. I have to wonder how my body can have any tears left, I've been crying so much these past couple days.

He tilts my chin, rubbing his nose against mine. "That's all the past, Bella. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Okay?"

I don't know what to think … he's hurt me so badly but now he's back when I need him the most. Maybe with his help I can get out of this insane asylum. Then I think of leaving Alice and the waterworks start again.

I simply nod my head at his question, chest tight from all that's happened.

"Breathe, Bella. I've got you." he whispers, rubbing my arm to calm me.

It does help and I feel myself slowly relax at his touch. He smiles at me and I realize how content I feel in this moment. How unreal that this day could be connected to the last. How could they be? How could I have thought for one minute that hearing his admonishing voice in my head could even compare to this?

We talk quietly into the night. I tell him all about the other patients and the hospital. I don't mention Alice yet … every time I try, a sob catches in my throat, silencing me. He tells me about his travels along the southwest border. He's learned a little Spanish and makes me giggle when he tries to speak it, his accent is so terrible.

We even talk a little about his family. He never reveals how he found me and I don't push him about it. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that he's here, now.

He loves me … or at least I think he does. He doesn't actually say the words but he's here. He must love me. Why go through the trouble of sneaking into a mental hospital to see someone if you don't love the person?

He must love me.

My mind still circles around back to Alice every few minutes. It feels so unfair that I should be this happy while she is so miserable. I hate that she's so depressed. I hate that she wants to hurt herself. Edward shares a similar feeling but he's talking about me.

"I thought I'd lost you, Bella. If I'd realized what walking away would do to you ..." he shakes his head regretfully, his eyes tightening visibly with pain at the thought. "I thought we needed a break but I was wrong. I should never have left, Bella. I'm sorry."

I grab him and hug him for a long time after that. I forgive him. How could I not forgive him? He's my world and if I've learned nothing else from this, I've learned that I need him more than anything else.

He stays with me until just before sunrise. When he rises to leave, I grab his hand, my panic nearly forcing me to scream. He sees it in my face and quickly puts a hand over my mouth and shakes his head.

"It's okay, Bella. I'll be back to visit, I promise. I won't leave you again. Breathe."

I nod and he lets me go. It doesn't escape my notice that he's always reminding me to breathe, something basic and involuntary. Something I keep forgetting.

He kisses my lips gently before disappearing out the door.

I fall back on my pillow, fingertips brushing my lips where his touched mine. I slowly get up and dress, our conversation on repeat in my mind, knowing no sleep will be had tonight.

**a/n: Thank you Casey, my amazing beta, and thank you all for reading. So Edward has returned. Surprised? Dismayed? Love him/hate him? **

**I am dying to hear your thoughts on his appearance at the hospital and what you think Bella should do next. Please review! ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**a/n: Over 800 views but only 17 reviews ... something is off here. I know you're busy people. Just three words would be fine ... like Great Work Lady! or What The Hell? or More Jacob Please (or Edward) ... something! Need some encouragement ... please and thank you. *kisses***

**Big thanks to Casey, my awesome beta, and also thanks to my two very faithful reviewers jokergirl4ever and ArekWithlock. Wind beneath my wings you guys. :D I'd send you chocolates if I could. I really would. XD**

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 10**

**day 39**

It's noon meal when Alice suddenly reappears on our floor. She's in a wheelchair pushed by Emmett. She looks tired, her eyes are somewhat glassy but she has a small smile playing at her lips as Emmett pushes her to our lunch table.

I'm immediately on my feet, hugging her. She relaxes into my arms and weakly hugs me back. I sit back on my heels to look her in the face.

"Alice … I've missed you. I was so worried." I force myself to keep my voice low, aware of all the other eyes watching us with interest.

Alice's smile widens. "I've missed you too, Bella." Her eyes wander to our table and then back to me. She grins and says, "Taco day! What an awesome day to come back!"

I laugh at her joke. The tacos are really awful here. Emmett chuckles too and squeezes my shoulder. I return to my seat and he pushes Alice up to the table beside me.

"You have to stay in the wheelchair for just a little longer there, okay sprite?" he tells her affectionately, patting her head and then leaving us alone to eat.

We eat some of the spanish rice and push the dog food tacos to the side, chatting about trivial things until we can return to the privacy of our room. Leah asks for our uneaten tacos and we push them over, once again marveling at how much food our resident wolf girl can throw down. Another one of my theories. She has a wolf tattoo because she eats like one.

Alice seems to be reading my thoughts and giggles. We finish our meal and head back to our room. Emmett comes over to push Alice's chair, but I wave him off. She weighs no more than an eight year old and I have no difficulty pushing her chair back to the room.

After we hear the key turn in the lock, we quickly sit together on her bed. I look her over once again. Her eyes look a bit dull and her face isn't shining with her usual megawatt smile, but she does look happy.

Just normal happy I guess … not Alice happy.

I frown.

"Are you really okay?" I whisper, taking her hand in mine and squeezing it gently.

She nods and squeezes back. "I'm fine, Bells. Just need some sleep. Stupid medicine makes me so drowsy."

I bite my lip. The doc has put her back on her meds. I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad. I miss the bouncy, over the top cheerful Alice but I can do without seeing her the way she was before she left.

Desolate and shattered.

Alice should never look that way.

I shook myself from my thoughts to focus on my friend. I try to think of something cheerful to tell her, something to bring the smile back to her face, and immediately think of Edward.

"Edward has been visiting me."

Her eyes widen in surprise and her hands fly to her mouth. "You're kidding! Here?"

I nod excitedly and laugh. "Yes! Here! Can you believe it? He's related to the doctor. He stole the key, copied it, and has been visiting me every night."

Alice's face looks shocked and also a little scared. "He comes in our room?" she whispers.

_Fuck. I hadn't even thought how Edward's midnight visits might affect Alice when she returned._

I squeeze her hand again. "Alice, I promise it'll be fine. He's a good man. He won't hurt us. Please don't make me send him away." I feel my throat choke up on tears. I didn't want to bring her down but the thought of not being able to see Edward again has me on the edge instantly.

Alice narrows her eyes at me, looking every bit the angry kitten, her fear erased. "Send him away? Like he sent you away from him before. He hurt you, Bella."

I swallow roughly and shake my head. "He won't do that again, Alice. He's apologized many times. He's trying to make it up to me. He's helping me now. I promise. He's good for me."

Alice stays quiet for a moment, studying my face, and then squeezes my hand again. "Okay. But if he hurts you again, he'll be answering to me." She follows her threat with a yawn and I smile down at her.

"I wouldn't expect any less. Time to sleep, I think, Ally."

She lies down and I tuck her in gently before making my way over to my own bed and taking out my journal. I've started recording all my thoughts and feelings daily. The doc is right. It does feel great to purge all those fears and doubts on paper. It also feels like a small victory to record the happy moments too.

I look over at Alice and smile again.

I can't wait for Edward to meet her. I haven't been in such high spirits in so long … longer than I can remember. Alice is going to be okay and Edward is mine again. I don't see how things can get any better than that.

I start to write and my thoughts wander to Edward and I having a little house together. Alice would be there too. In my daydreams, she checks out of this place too and we're all housemates. I watch her, make sure she's healthy and taking care of herself, protect her from predators like James. Edward watches over us both, calling us "his girls" and our other friends tease us for being so close.

The three musketeers. That's us. We have movie nights and family dinners … it's perfect. I record all my wishes and dreams in my journal as our room is filled with Alice's quiet breathing.

I must drift off myself because the next thing I know, Emmett is standing over my bed, tapping my foot. He puts his finger to his lips, indicating I should stay quiet and points over to Alice, who is still sleeping soundly. I nod and carefully get up, following him out to the hall.

It's time for my therapy.

_Joy._

I play along because I know it's the only way out of this place. The doctor has a plan, a set of rules. Follow the rules and you get your ticket stamped and are released. Don't follow them and you could stay here forever. I think about Esme and Leah … they've been here for years. I shudder at the thought and dutifully follow Emmett to doc's office.

He's sitting at his chair, writing some notes when I enter. As soon as the door closes behind me, he looks at me with his customary Carlisle smile. I still think he's dead sexy, though I would never tell him that. He's old enough to be my father. I think about him being Edward's uncle and have to bite my lip to hold in my giggle.

Edward be none too keen to know I was goggling at his older, attractive relative.

Carlisle waves his hand at the chair opposite him in invitation and I sit down. "How are you today, Bella? You look like you are in a good mood."

I release my lip from my teeth and smile. "I am. Alice is back."

He knows this of course, he is her doctor too, but I want to share my excitement about her return anyhow.

His smile widens and he nods. "Yes, I knew you'd be glad to see each other."

Neither of us speak for a moment. The Doc likes to leave these long silences, hoping I'll pipe up more I guess if he's quiet.

Today it works. I want to share. I want him to see how much better I'm doing.

"I was really happy she came back. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. She's like family now, ya know? She really looks good, like she's going to be okay, I mean."

I'm kind of rambling but I can't help it. I try to think of what else I should say to impress him, make him so how okay I am too.

"I've been writing in my journal too, like you asked. I know it's not good to bottle up all these feelings … I get that now. I think I see why I put myself in so much danger before … I just held in too much. Too much sadness and grief. Let it all sit inside and fester. Not healthy."

I nod my head at the end of my speech, waiting for his approval.

He's nodding too and smiling. "That's wonderful, Bella. I'm glad you are making so much progress. I know your father will be relieved that you are finally healing and moving forward."

I stiffen slightly at the mention of Charlie but don't comment, just keep smiling and nodding.

The doc is quiet again, waiting, but this time I'm unsure what to say. So I keep quiet too.

Finally, after several minutes pass, Doc taps his pen and meets my eyes with his. "I think we can begin family sessions now. I think you're ready."

I gulp.

_Family sessions? Like putting Charlie and I in the same room? Hell no._

I think back to the list of things that Doc said would be important to my recovery. Making amends with family and having a support group were on that list …

_Dammit!_

I sigh and I know my smile has disappeared because Doc is looking at me in that concerned way that he has.

I hate that look.

I want to shout, "I'm fine! I'm not sick! I just can't stand my father!" but I know that'll go over real well. Charlie is the only family I have now. No one else to make amends with and no other support system … unless I tell Doc about Edward, which I am not at all ready to do yet.

"Bella, just think about it. If you decide you're ready, I'll call your father and set something up for next week."

I nod numbly and make my way to the door. Nurse Carmen is waiting for me on the other side, ready to escort me to dinner.

Alice is at dinner too and this makes me brighten a little. I see Jacob over in the hall, mopping up a spill and I smile and wave at him. Alice follows my eyes and then looks back at me curiously.

"Just an old friend." I tell her and dig into my spaghetti. We didn't eat much at lunch and now I'm starving. Alice is still studying me, but I don't comment. I expect she's missed me and just wants to take it all in. I look over at her and smile.

"Good to have you back, Alice." Leah calls, joining us at our table. She eyes my garlic bread and I roll my eyes and hand it to her. Leah smiles and takes a big bite, winking at me. We all eat and chit-chat and I start to feel lighter, pushing thoughts of confrontations with Charlie to the back of my mind for now.


	11. Chapter 11

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 11**

**day 40**

"Edward, you have to be quiet, you'll wake Alice!" I yell whisper at him, trying not to giggle as his fingers skim my waist.

"I'm already awake, Bella. Too late." Alice sing songs over at us with a laugh of her own.

"Sorry." I call back, elbowing Edward lightly in his side.

"What do you think of the doctor, Ally? Think he's cute like Bell here does?" Edward asks her, chuckling when I try to throw my hand over his mouth and he moves his face away, out of reach.

"Tell him, Alice. The Doc is pretty handsome."

Alice giggles again. "What did he ask?"

I shake my head at her. She pulled this last night as well, claiming she can't understand Edward's accent. It isn't even that strong. He moved from England to the US when he was like fourteen.

"He wants to know if you think the doc is cute?"

Alice is still giggling her tinkling laugh and Edward rolls his eyes. "She may be too young to have any interest in men, darling." he jokes.

I frown at him but say nothing. I haven't told him about what happened with James and I don't know if I plan to … I don't want to think about it, let alone discuss it.

Of course, Edward catches my frown and raises an eyebrow.

I'm saved from further inquiry by Alice's reply. "Yes, he is very cute. Not as cute as Emmett, though."

I laugh. I knew she had a crush on Emmett. I say nothing because I know she fears the wrath of Rose and try to think about a change in subject.

"They caught Leah stuffing her meds in the potted plant in the rec room this morning." I tell her, grimacing. I'm scared that if they see her doing it, they might catch on that others might be skipping the medication too.

Namely me.

Edward takes my hand and kisses my palm. "You don't need to worry, love. They won't catch on."

I relay his message to Alice and she agrees. "They tried to give me my pills today and I hid them in my ear again. They never check the ears." she sing songs.

I frown again and look at Edward. He knows my fears and he kisses my hand again, shaking his head. He's telling me to keep quiet. I can't very well tell Alice to take her meds when I avoid them like the plague, but still I worry. I've seen her low and I don't ever want to see that again.

Alice seems to read into my silence and sits up on her bed. "Bells, stop worrying. I'll be fine. If I start feeling blue again, I have plenty of pills in my dolls."

I smile weakly. "Right. I know. You're right."

Alice settles back under her covers and whispers "Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

I tell her the same and soon we hear the soft sounds of her sleeping.

Edward pulls me closer. "No bed bugs, but I might bite." he whispers, leaning down and nibbling on my neck.

I bite my lip and push him back. "Not here, Edward. Not with Alice … ya know … right there."

He sighs and kisses me chastely before moving back a bit. "I know. Sorry, love."

We quietly whisper late into the night, discussing our future plans and the therapy. I tell him about the family therapy and how I dread facing my father. He tries to comfort me and encourages me to do whatever I need to do to get out of here.

Except take the pills.

We are both in agreement on that.

I tell him my secret wish that Alice could get out of here too and live with us. He doesn't tell me how unlikely that is or difficult that would be. Instead, he tells me how great Alice is and how much fun it would be to all live together in a home of our own.

Finally, he hums to me softly as I drift off to sleep, feeling wonderfully content in his warm arms.

**Day 41**

Today we have to go to another rousing session of group therapy. I expected to be bored to tears as usual. I walked with Alice down the hall, her quietly singing "Over The Rainbow" and me wishing I could crawl back into bed.

About half way through Chelsea's speech about how fabulous her life was before she came to this disgusting facility, ya know back when she had her servants and castle when it happened.

Leah lost it.

She jumped out of her chair and smacked Chelsea right across the face.

I kid you not. She snapped. I mean, it wasn't like we didn't all want to do it at some point but seeing Chelsea's head jerk sideways from the impact, nearly knocking her clear out of her chair, made us all cringe.

"Shut the fuck up!" Leah screamed, stomping her foot and standing over Chelsea's chair angrily. "Some of us have real fucking problems and we don't need to hear about your make-believe kingdom in la la land, so shut the fuck up already!"

_Leah is having a shitty day. Stay out of her way for a while. Noted. _

Emmett quickly jumped in and restrained Leah, which only made it worse because then Leah was shouting obscenities about dick head men who thought they could control women, kicking and slamming her body back into his.

Emmett winced in pain as he tried to wrestle her from the room. Some of those kicks would leave bruises for sure. Nurse Carmen met him in the hallway to help him take her back to her room.

Some coffee spilled on Rosalie's shoe during the confrontation and she stood up screaming. "You dumb bitch! Look what you've done to my new Milanos!"

"Cool it Barbie." an amused voice piped in from the doorway.

I jumped out of my chair in surprise. There by the door was my Jacob. He smiled at me and winked before following Emmett and Leah down the hall.

I couldn't help it. I started chuckling, loudly. Soon the room erupted into laughter. The Doc just shook his head. "I guess we'll call it a day ladies. See you all next week."

I left with Alice, arm in arm. I noticed she wasn't smiling or laughing like the others.

"Are you okay, Ally?"

She sniffled and bit her lip. "I hope Emmett is okay."

_Of course … Emmett._

I gave her a side hug and reassured her that he would definitely be fine. He's a big bear of a guy after all.

She nodded and cracked a little smile for me.

"Yeah … you're right. It was pretty funny when Leah knocked that coffee on Rose's shoe, wasn't it?" she whispered.

"Yes, Ally. That it was." I told her with a chuckle. "That it was."

**a/n: Sorry for the delay folks. RL has been a real bitch. Thanks for reading and big thanks to Casey for being a heck of a beta. :D**


	12. Chapter 12

**a/n: This story gets so many hits yet so few reviews. It makes me sad. Please review. I need the encouragement. **

**Thank you to Casey for her beta prowess and thanks to all my readers out there for taking the time to give this story a view. Love you!**

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 12**

**day 42**

Leah has been put in solitary confinement. We've asked the nurses, the orderlies, Emmett … no one can tell us when she will be released. Any amusement from yesterday's therapy session is gone. We are all somber.

Well, all of us except Rosalie. She's sitting in the corner of the room looking smug as hell. Alice is the only person keeping me from walking right over there and knocking her off her fucking pedestal.

I can't upset Alice. It's not worth the risk of her falling down that deep abyss again. So, I settle for glaring at Rose while Alice and I play Jenga during rec time. The pieces are worn from many years of use. Some of the pieces even appear to have teeth marks. I doubt I'd even touch the disgusting game if it weren't for Alice. She adores it. She gets so excited when she removes a block without the whole tower toppling, bouncing in her seat and nearly knocking it over in her enthusiasm. It makes her so happy, I just can't tell her no when she begs me to play.

Today she's beaten me 5 games to 1. I'm ready to admit defeat when I spot Jacob cleaning in a nearby hall. All of the nurses are busy with patients. Emmett is distracted by Heidi at the moment, his face red and fit to burst of either embarrassment or laughter, you can never tell with her. She's probably begging his forgiveness for being so irresistibly attractive. No one is really paying attention to Alice or me, I realize with a jolt.

I look over to Jacob and wave. I have an idea.

"Alice."

She looks up from her task, re-stacking the blocks into a Jenga tower for our next game, and releases her lip from her bottom teeth in order to answer me. "Yeah?"

"Want to go for a walk … check on Leah?" I ask in a whisper, gesturing to Jacob with a nod of my head.

Alice looks over at the hallway where Jacob is standing and back at me with a frown. "We're not supposed to leave the rec room, Bella."

I give her a 'no kidding' look and grab her hand. "Listen. You keep working. I'll walk over to the hall, act like I'm just getting a drink of water. When I make it over to Jacob, I'll wave to you and you follow suit. Got it?"

Alice is the only person who knows about my previous relationship with Jacob. She's fascinated by all my stories of childhood adventure on his reservation. She asks so many questions, she probably feels like she's known him all her life too.

She smiles at me and bobs her head in quick agreement. "We're playing pretend."

I roll my eyes. "We're just pretending to get a drink, Al. We're really going to see Leah … if we can make it down to her room that is without being caught. Ready?"

Alice's eyes widen and she starts bouncing again. "Ready." she answers in an excited whisper.

I stand up slowly and try my best to walk casually to the water fountain. No one seems to take any notice of me, not even Rose since she is now glaring at Heidi for flirting with 'her man', so I keep going until I'm half running down the hall to the doors where Jacob stands with a grin.

"What ya up to, Bella?" he asks me dropping his mop in the bucket and turning his whole attention to me.

"Oh … just thought I'd come say hi … and see if you could help me find Leah. She was put in solitary for her stunt yesterday in therapy."

Jacob grimaces. "That sucks."

Alice skids into my side nearly knocking me over. I have to cover my mouth to keep from yelping.

"Geesh, Alice. Way to not draw attention." I yell whisper at her and we all three quickly make our way down the hall.

Alice apologizes and holds onto my arm as I walk. She gets so nervous wandering anywhere in the hospital. Understandable considering past events. I put my arm around her shoulders and give her a squeeze.

"It'll be okay, Ally."

We walk out of hearing distance and I finally look back up at Jake. "Alice." I point my thumb in Jake's direction. "This is Jake. Jake, Alice." I introduce them and Alice gives him a shy "Hi" and giggles and Jacob just gives her one of his special Jacob smiles, full and bright.

We follow the hall to the right and there's a stretch of hall with all white doors. We can hear Leah screaming from here, no Jacob directions needed. Alice and I both run down the hall and peek in her window. She's sitting in a room that is clear of everything but a bed. It's not stark white and padded like I'd imagined she'd have, but it's pretty monotone beige and I know five minutes of the place would drive anyone mad.

"Hey Leah." I call through the bars.

Leah immediately stops yelling obscenities and walks to her door looking out.

"Hey ya, Hells Bells." she responds. She then looks beside me to Alice. "Hey Shorty. What brings you two to my neck of the woods. You heard through the grapevine just how fun solitary was and decided to come check it out for yourselves, right?"

She looks pissed but her voice isn't angry, but jesting. Leah can be so confusing sometimes.

"No … I just wanted to see you and I asked Jake to bring me down here. We just wanted to check on you."

Leah scowls and walks back to her bed. "Well, thanks for stopping by. Take your boyfriend and fuck off now."

I can't help but frown. Talking to Leah is often like treading lightly through a minefield. But I do care about her and she is my friend.

"Leah … listen. We were worried and wanted to let you know we were thinking of you. That's all. Sorry for making it worse … if that's what we did." I sigh and step back.

'Wow. She's fun.' Jacob mouths at me. I just shake my head sadly at him and turn to walk back down the hall from whence we came.

Jacob and Alice start walking back to the turn in the hallway when Leah calls my name.

"Bella."

I go back to her door and take a guarded peek in. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I just … hate it here, you know?"

I rest my chin against the door and give her a small smile. "Yeah. I know. See you soon, okay?"

Leah gives me a small smile in return, a rare sight, and nods. "Yeah. See ya."

I turn to see Jake has disappeared but thankfully Alice is still there, bouncing on her toes. I don't know what I was thinking, dragging her with me down here. I walk back to her quickly, practically dragging her by her elbow and leading her back to the main hall. Alice is chattering away about how much fun she has playing pretend with me and going on adventures. I just nod and smile, not sure what she's even talking about, but relieved that she's happy and not freaking out as we walk through the dark hall.

My relief only lasts about a second because when we open the door, we discover that our absence had not gone unnoticed as I'd hoped it would.

On the other side of the door stands the doc and for the first time since I've met him, he looks absolutely furious.

Alice smiles and waves at Doc, like we've not done anything wrong, and I just bite my lip and try to sink back into the wall behind me. Doc gives Alice a tight smile and sends her back to her room with Emmett before turning to me and glaring.

_Oh shit. I've done it this time._

"Bella, come with me."

Doc turns on his heel and heads for his office. I follow meekly behind, feeling about two feet tall after being on the receiving end of Doc's disappointed look. He opens the door and waves to my usual seat, waiting for me to pass him and then shutting the door.

"Bella. I am very disappointed in you."

_Yeah, got that._

His arms are crossed in front of him and his face is tense and angry. My guilt is starting to make way for genuine fear as he crosses the room to stand directly in front of me.

"You have not only put yourself in danger, but another patient as well. You know how … delicate Alice is and yet you dragged her along on your little adventure. Have you no consideration for anyone other than yourself?"

His words are an angry whisper but they feel like a hard slap across the face.

"Leah …" I try but he puts up a hand to stop me and takes a deep breath.

When he speaks again, his voice is calmer. "Leah is your friend." He sits on the edge of his desk, his arms relaxed at his sides and even though his last sentence was more of a statement than a question, I feel compelled to answer him.

"She is my friend and I was worried about her." My mind is flooded with images of her in that lonely cell, isolated from the rest of us. "She doesn't deserve to be locked away. She hasn't done anything wrong."

The doc frowns. "Bella, she attacked another patient."

Now I'm irritated. "She smacked a stupid girl who wouldn't shut up. She didn't hold her down and claw her to death, for heaven's sake. One slap earns her days in solitary? How is that fair?"

Doc stands back up and walks around his desk to sit in his chair.

_Looks like he's switching to lecture mode. Wonderful. _

I huff and slouch in my chair, crossing my own arms as I wait for him to start. So, of course, he throws me off completely by changing the subject.

"Bella, how did you know where Leah was staying?"

My body instantly tenses as my mind starts racing trying to come up with a reasonable answer, something not involving Jacob. I don't know exactly how much trouble I'm in at this point. I was making progress according to the good doctor. This will invariably be seen as a setback to my recovery and consequently my release. I really don't know how to answer here, so I remain silent.

The doctor sighs and folds his hands on the table in front of him. "Bella, your father and I …" he stops himself and his eyes tighten. I just look at him puzzled as he tries again. "Your father wishes to have you home with him. I was so certain that you were nearly ready … that the medication and therapy were helping … but now I'm not sure. You continue to take unnecessary risks with not only your own safety, but the safety of others. I know you care for Leah. I thought you also cared for Alice..."

He stops, his voice trailing off with an unasked question but I know what he's suggesting and the guilt of dragging Alice along with me crushes me. Tears start streaming down my cheeks and I nod in understanding. I feel the familiar ache in my chest again, the emptiness, and I squeeze my eyes closed as I hug my knees to my chest.

I don't even know that words are forming on my lips, that I'm chanting his name in a whispered plea, until the Doc is by my side, squeezing my shoulder.

"Who is Edward, Bella?"

My eyes widen in surprise and I pull away. "No." I start shaking my head, my head in my hands, as I try to escape his penetrating gaze. My whole body is trembling, my breaths are short, and I quickly sink my teeth into my lower lip.

_How could I have said that? How could I have thoughtlessly exposed our secret? How could I have made things so much worse?_


	13. Chapter 13

**a/n: Turkey day is here and I'm thankful for all my readers and my wonderful beta, Casey. Thank you! **

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 13**

"Who is Edward, Bella?"

The Doc keeps pressing but I can't respond, my lip is stuck behind my teeth, my body curled up in a defensive position. He finally sighs and gives up, running his hand through his hair in such an Edward type fashion, it makes me gasp and stare at him. He looks up at me once more, hopeful and concerned, but I shake my head and bury my face back into my knees.

"Okay, Bella. We have our first session with Charlie tomorrow. I have half a mind to cancel the family session at this point, but I know how much it would upset your father." He sighs. "I need to go meet another patient now." He stops and gently pats my shoulder with his open palm. "Stay with Nurse Carmen in my waiting room until you feel collected. I don't wish you or Alice to be put under any additional stress today."

I nod and drag myself from the room. Honestly, I'm ready to go to my room and climb in bed, but I don't want to upset Alice. Doc is right. I need to get my feelings under control before I walk in our room. I can't take any chances.

I obediently sit in one of the chairs of the waiting room and wait for the shaking to stop. I'm used to the pressure on my chest, the rough pull of air down my throat, the burn in my lungs, but this feels different. It's guilt. I feel guilty for what I may I have done to my friend.

_Alice._

I take a deep breath and roll my neck, shaking out my body like a fighter before a fight. I need perspective. I need to clear my head, start seeing others clearly.

I need Jacob.

I nod to Nurse Carmen and she quickly leaves her seat. Looks like I'll be escorted everywhere I go from now on.

I can't say I blame them.

We walk down the hall and she drops me off at my room. Alice is nowhere in sight. I raise an eyebrow at Nurse Carmen and she smiles.

"Everyone is in the rec room. I thought you might appreciate a few minutes by yourself."

I bite my lip again, my eyes on my shoes. "Thank you."

She gives my hand a squeeze before walking out. I shuffle over to my bed, sitting and staring at my peeling wallpaper.

"It's not your fault, ya know?"

I look up quickly, searching for the source of the voice and there he is … leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and smiling down at me.

"Sunshine." I breathe softly, his presence making me feel lighter the moment I see him.

He laughs and makes his way over to my bed, sitting beside me and pulling me into one of his powerful Jacob hugs. "Bells … I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have led you down that hall or encouraged you to go looking for Leah. I hope Alice is okay."

I swallow hard and hold him tighter. "Me too."

Jacob gets me like no one else. He knows I just need him close. I don't want to talk, so he does the talking, stories about work and his dad, anything that comes to his mind, his deep baritone soothing my nerves. He stays with me until I'm falling asleep on his shoulder before gently lying me back and kissing my forehead. His warm lips leave an invisible imprint on my skin, filling me with all those happy, fuzzy feelings that I always feel when my Jacob is with me.

"Night night, Bells." he whispers, tiptoeing out of the room and leaving me to rest.

When I wake, Alice is back in the room. She's sitting on her bed, braiding leather cord around a bangle bracelet in some kind of complicated knotted pattern. It's really beautiful. I sit up slowly, not wanting to spook her so I can watch her work, but of course she knows I'm awake before she even looks up to confirm it.

"You're finally awake." she observes happily. I can't help but smile at her cheery voice. I offer up a silent prayer of thanks that she's bouncy and giggling.

"I am," I answer, biting on my lip. "Whatcha working on over there?"

Alice finally looks up at me, her cheeks full of air as she shakes her head. "It's a secret."

I laugh at her chipmunk cheeks. "Of course it is. Well, it's very pretty."

Alice loudly lets out the air from her cheeks, her eyes bright. "Really?! I hope Leah likes it!" She covers her mouth with her hands and her face turns beet red.

"I won't tell her. I promise."

She slowly lowers her hands, a sly smile on her lips. "I know you won't." Her smile grows and she nods again. "Our secret." she whispers before turning back to her project.

We go to dinner, inhale the meatloaf, and then shuffle back to our room. Back to business as usual. Alice is still singing to herself and fingering a small piece of leather that she's kept apart from her gift. She twirls it through her fingers and smiles.

I can't help but smile in response and some of the dull ache recedes.

When we return to our room and Emmett bids us goodnight, I turn to find Edward already sitting on my bed. I gasp and run over to him, quickly sinking into his arms and inhaling his sweet scent.

"How did you get in here so early?" I ask. Alice looks over at us curiously but then returns to her bed to resume her work.

"I had to come in and speak with Uncle Carlisle. He left for a meeting and I was able to sneak in here without a second glance." Edward smirks and rolls over top of me, pressing my body into the mattress under all his muscles and lean limbs, planting wet kisses up my neck to my ear. "I had a craving for my Bella and couldn't wait."

I laugh and slap his arm, pushing on him to lift up. "Stop, Edward! Alice is right over there!" I yell-whisper at him, making him growl and sink his teeth into my skin. My complaints turn to moans as I squirm beneath him. He knows the effect he has on me. He's not playing fair. Thankfully Alice doesn't seem to paying any attention to us. She's lying in bed, the covers over her own head, and humming her favorite Disney movie songs to herself.

She'll be asleep in no time.

He looks up for a moment, taking in my expression and then grins. He knows he's won. He pulls the blanket over top of us and starts peeling away my shirt, his biting kisses moving down from my neck to my shoulder, then inching across my collar-bone. When his teeth graze my nipple, I whimper in response, pushing against him again to keep him from taking it further. He sighs but respects my wishes, kissing the tender point once more before pulling my bra back in place and making his way back to my lips. We spend the next hour just kissing and talking.

"Why are you never here when I wake up?" I ask him, my head resting lightly on his chest, his cotton shirt soft against my cheek.

_Best pillow ever._

"I have to sneak out in the middle of the night, Bella. You know that. Wouldn't want the nurses or Emmett to catch on that you have nightly visitor, would we?" he answers, his long fingers combing through my long hair.

_Better than any sleep aid._

"You know that makes me tired."

He chuckles. "I like to watch you sleep. You say the most interesting things."

I sit up sharply. "I do not!"

He laughs quietly and pulls me back down into his arms. "Relax, Bella. Nothing embarrassing. Usually just my name."

His voice is so smug that my embarrassment forgotten, I'm laughing with him.

"Of course." I mumble with a smile on my lips as I pull the blanket back up over us.


	14. Chapter 14

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 14**

**day 43**

I knew this day was coming. I knew it but there was just no good way to prepare for it. Edward and I discussed the family session so many times that I almost felt like he was sitting there beside me during those first awkward moments.

Charlie walked in the door, looking anxious and scruffy. I doubt he slept any better than me last night. He was never one for emotional conversations.

… or emotions period.

Renée would go on for hours about how she left my dad because he just 'didn't get her', not that anyone had any hope of doing that. She was a mess. She'd even drone on and on about how Charlie never really loved her, how he was always putting his career before her needs.

I really wanted to slap her at those moments.

_Thanks for always putting your daughter first, Ma. I can see why you'd be so bitter about that._

The Doc rose and shook Charlie's hand as he entered the room, gesturing to the only empty seat in the room and welcoming him.

_Gag._

Charlie sat messily into the chair and sighed. He then looked at me and nodded.

Hasn't seen me in over a month, and he fucking nods hello.

_Seriously?_

Before I can spit a rather scathing comment about his greeting, I hear Edward's advice from the night before shouted through my brain.

_'Be on your best behavior! Act like you're so happy to see him and you want nothing more than to go home.'_

I bite my tongue and twist my shirt in my hand, willing myself to stay in my chair and keep my mouth shut. I squirm as I taste blood in my mouth from the bite but stay silent. After all, if you have nothing nice to say … blah blah blah.

Doc sits down and taps his pen on his thigh, big quacky smile firmly in place.

"So, Bella, we've talked a lot about what we expect before you are discharged from the facility and you've expressed some of your wishes as well. Would you like to share some of those with your father?"

_Sure, I wish he would stop acting like he's at the dentist getting his teeth ripped out and maybe act like he cares for his daughter! How bout that?_

I have to consciously swallow and take a deep breath before I can respond.

"I want to come home."

Doc smiles and nods agreeably and then turns to Charlie.

"How do you feel about that, Charlie?"

_Christ … I don't think I can do this … breathe breathe … no screaming, just breathe. Please, Charlie, tell us how you feel. Don't leave us all in suspense!_

Charlie sits straighter in his chair and for the first time since he's entered this room, looks directly at me. "I want that too, Bella. But I don't want to have to worry about you hurting yourself all the time. We'd have to have some ground rules."

I can't help it. I chuckle.

"Got it. No playing with knives. No running with scissors. No problem."

"Bella." Doc interrupts.

_He's switched to his no-nonsense voice already. Better dial it back._

"I'm not going to hurt myself, Dad. I promise." I answer, forcing a small smile for full effect.

Charlie narrows his eyes.

"No hurting yourself or putting yourself in dangerous situations." He pauses, clearly thinking hard on how to make me understand. "You have to take better care of yourself."

I nod in agreement. "Got it." I look at the doctor with what I hope is an honest, hopeful expression on my face.

_So … one golden ticket please?_

"I'm afraid it will take more than good intentions to be successful. Why don't you tell your father about what we've discussed so far in therapy, Bella?" Doc asks, jotting notes in his handy-dandy notebook.

_Do not stab the doctor with the pen. Just tell him what he wants to hear._

"I will need to continue to go to therapy and take medications if I want to stay stable and happy." I answer with maybe a little too much sugar in my voice.

Charlie crosses his arms and for once his glare is on someone else. "You told her she'd be on medication once she leaves … for how long?"

The Doc smiles his patent reassuring, shark tooth grin and tilts his head. "It's hard to say how long, Charlie. She will probably need to take medicine the rest of her life. Both anxiety and depression are treatable, but medication will play a large part in keeping Bella on track."

At this, Charlie jumps out of his seat. "You plan to put my daughter on pills indefinitely?!"

_Settle down, Pops! I don't even take the stupid pills! _

I want to stand and yell too, but I know that would be counterproductive to my end goal, which is of course getting the fuck out of this place.

Doc stands too and puts his hands out, trying desperately to calm down Charlie. He's realized it's never a good idea to piss off the guy carrying a gun.

I want to laugh but I just bite my lip and wait for them both to cool it.

Finally, Charlie sits back down with a crash, his arms once again folded across his chest. He still looks like he's about to pop a vein in his forehead but at least he's seated. I decide I need to get this session back on a positive note.

"Funny story. My friend Leah may have dated someone from La Push once upon a time. In fact, I think he may still live down the block from Billy and Jake. Small world, right?" I smile at my dad. He loves Billy and usually talking about the Rez is a great way to sidetrack him.

Instead of returning my congenial banter, he frowns and shakes his head. "That's not funny, Bella."

I'm a little confused and more than a little annoyed. I don't think it would kill him to play along even if he couldn't give two shits about my friends.

"What? I'm not joking. His name is Sam. You should ask Jacob if he ever sees him around the beach."

Charlie's face turns pained and I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell is wrong with him or this conversation.

I turn to the Doc for some kind of fucking clue but he's looking at Charlie.

"Charlie, what was it that Bella said that upset you?"

Charlie is now shaking, his arms are still crossed but his hands are clenched. He takes several minutes to answer him. He doesn't even look at me. He just stares at the floor, the words tumbling to the ground and taking me down with them.

"Jacob died six years ago. He was killed in the woods near their home … he was ... attacked by wolves."

His face is ashen and his words come on in a whispered stutter, but we all hear him loud and clear. Soft spoken as they were, they're ringing in my ears.

"You're lying! You fucking liar! Why would you say that?! Why?! Why would you say that?!" My screams are on repeat as I fall out of my chair, clawing my way to the door. I have one thought and one thought only. Get the hell out of here and find Jake.

I run into the hall, still screaming and now bawling hysterically. Everything I held in for the past hour is now spilling like a sudden cloudburst down my cheeks, one word echoing down the hall in my anguished cry.

"JA...COB!"

**a/n: Surprised? I know I threw my beta for a loop. lol. Thank you Casey for reading, correcting my oversights, and just being wonderful. **

**And thank you to my readers and reviewers. Can't wait to hear your thoughts! Show of hands, who saw this coming? No one?**


	15. Chapter 15

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CH 15**

**day 43 continued**

I stumble more than I run, but I finally make it to the rec room. My eyes scan every corner and crevice but Jacob is nowhere to be seen. However, Alice appears before me almost instantly, handing me a box of tissues, her own eyes glistening with tears.

"Was it horrible? Did he spank you?"

I take a deep breath, shaking my head and pulling her into my arms.

"No, Alice … he … he said …"

I try desperately to push the words out but I choke. It's probably for the best. I can't tell Alice what he said. It would only upset her more. I have no idea why my father would sit there and say such awful things. He always loved the Black family. He and Billy were like brothers. I have no idea what reason he could have to tell such horrible lies to the doctor and to me …

… unless he wants to hurt me. Perhaps he wants me to appear crazy to the Doc so that I can't leave. He doesn't want me to come home.

_Hateful prick!_

I'm suddenly filled with red-hot anger but I have to quickly shove those thoughts away for later because Alice is now whimpering, my escalating ire causing me to crush her to my chest. I release her and force a smile on my face.

"He said some bad things but I'm not going to listen to him and neither should you, okay Ally?"

Alice wipes her nose with the back of her head and nods before pulling me back into another tight hug.

_She has quite a grip for such a tiny thing._

She whispers into my neck, her words sending chills down my spine.

"My daddy did bad things too."

I bite my lip to keep in my scream. I want to shake her and ask her what the hell she means by that, but I'm far too afraid to know the answer. I just squeeze her tighter and lead her out of the room.

Back in our quarters, she takes two pills from her smallest nesting doll and hands one to me.

"Quiet pills." she says with a smile before taking one herself and climbing onto my bed.

_Downers.? Oh, what the hell._

I swallow one too and curl up beside her, tucking her small form next to mine. She falls asleep first and her soft snores are better than any drug to relax me.

Just before I lose all consciousness, I think I hear the door open. I imagine a small kiss on my head accompanied by a soft scrape of beard stubble.

It might just be my imagination but I think I hear my father's voice whisper "I'm sorry" before I let go and sleep.

When I wake, it's to Emmett tapping on my shoulder. Alice is already gone from the room. There's still light, so I know it's not too late yet. I rub my eyes and sit up.

"There's my girl. You ready for some grub?" he asks, his voice full of his usual jovial tone.

As always, it makes me grin.

I nod my head and force myself to my feet, stretching and looking around.

"Alice already in there?"

Emmett opens the door for me and allows me to step through first.

"What a gentleman." I say with a laugh and look around for my fun-sized friend. "So … where's Alice?" I repeat. One look at Emmett's face and I know I'm not going to like the answer.

"The Doc asked to speak with her." he replies, his eyes scrunched up in fear of my reaction.

I have to bite my lip again to keep from swearing at the top of my lungs.

I shake my head and storm off to the dining room, Emmett following close behind me.

"Are you my watch dog now?" I grumble at him, then see his hurt face and immediately regret my harsh tone. "Listen … I'm sorry Em. I just … I hope the Doc isn't giving her a hard time after today … my session didn't exactly go well."

Emmett pats my shoulder and nods. "Yeah, I know. Don't worry. Alice will be fine." His eyes drift off to the tables and he smiles. "Salisbury steak tonight! Lucky!"

I can't help but laugh at him as I roll my eyes. "Woo hoo."

I sit beside Leah and ignore Rose's eyes. I know she's dying to say something obnoxious to me after my earlier display and I'm determined not to give her the chance.

_Just ignore the bitch in the room … my new motto. Easier than the elephant._

I give Leah a small smile. "Hey Leah. Looks good."

Leah barely looks up from her plate but I think I hear a "Mmmm" between bites. My smile grows as I tuck into my own food. The Salisbury steak here isn't half bad. The gravy is thick and savory. I try to enjoy my meal but my mind keeps wandering to my two missing friends.

I worry that the Doc might unintentionally upset Alice and cause one of her meltdowns.

I worry that Jake may have been fired … or maybe he's just here under an alias here or something.

I rack my brain for reasons for Charlie's hurtful words during the session but I come up with nothing but another headache. The pain soon leads to nausea and I push the rest of my food away. Leah looks up for the first time since I sat down and I nod my approval as she takes my leftovers.

I couldn't eat another bite without having it come back up at this point. My head is pounding. I need to get back to my room and rest. I pull the hair tie out, loosing my ponytail in hope of some reprieve but the pain remains.

"I need to go back to bed. See ya, Leah."

I try to push my chair back carefully to avoid any loud scraping and slowly stand. I make my way slowly to my room, my hand running along the cool wallpaper leading down the hall. I follow the pattern of pink and white flowers along a crooked seam with my fingernail and I'm sorely tempted to ask the nurse for some pain reliever but I'm pretty sure Alice has some in one of her dolls back in our room. I really don't trust these damn nurses and I pray that Alice has returned from her chat with the Doc.

Unfortunately, Alice isn't there when I arrive. I consider walking over to her dolls and trying to find the right medicine but I head over to my bed instead. I don't think I should take the chance of taking the wrong pill or upsetting Alice by touching her beloved dolls.

I slowly lie down and take deep breaths, wishing the pain to go away. My temple is throbbing now and I'm thankful that the sun has lowered beneath our small window and our room is relatively dark. I try not to move. Each time I shift slightly it causes blinding pain to spear through my head.

My eyes are closed tightly but I hear someone come into the room.

My hands are gripping the blanket beneath me tightly, but I feel a small, cold hand gently pry one open and drop two pills onto my palm.

"I brought water too." she whispers.

I take the pills gratefully and swallow them down quickly along with the cool water. My vision is blurry but I see the outline of a female form sitting on the bed beside me.

"Thanks, Ally." I mumble, pushing my face into my pillow and praying for the medicine to work quickly.

A hand is rubbing my back and I hear humming. I feel strange and realize I've been dozing. The room is very dark now. What really throws me is the smell of cold cream … it smells just like the Noxzema that my mother would always use to remove her makeup.

I try to look up but my head feels so heavy.

"Now, now dear. Mustn't move a muscle. You need your rest. Mommy's hear and you'll soon feel right as rain."

I promptly vomit all over the floor before screaming as loudly as I can manage.

I hear a key jiggling our door knob before the door itself is thrown open. I'm up and off my bed as quickly as I can move, which isn't very fast considering my state. Emmett catches me just before I trip and fall to the floor.

"What is it, Bells? What's happened?"

I turn to look but she's gone …

"Where is she? Where did she go? Where is my mother?"

I'm screaming again and Emmett carries me from the room, rushing me down the hall to the hospital wing.

I'm barely conscious of a pin prick to my arm and the firm bed beneath my body before I fall into another drug induced slumber.

**a/n: Thanks for reading and being patient. I'm very sorry for all the delays. Working full time now and can't really say when I'll have time to work on this, but it will be finished. Thankful for days like today ... snow day! Thanks to Casey for her beta work and to all my of those who take the time to review. You are amazing. :D**


	16. Chapter 16

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CH 16**

**day 44**

I wake up feeling groggy and disoriented. Thankfully the crushing pain behind my temples has left and I melt into the mattress relieved. I close my eyes and my thoughts wander. I think about Alice. I wonder what she's doing right now in my absence. I imagine her singing and playing Jenga with Leah, who has become a part of our little secret circle, sisters united in rebellion. I think about Edward. I try to lift my arms, but something is weighing down my limbs. My mouth twitches into a smile. I turn my head and expect to see his face, hovering next to mine.

When I finally open my eyes and take in my surroundings, my brief moment of peace is shattered. I'm in a hospital bed. Memories of the moments before I lost consciousness flood me and I feel my body immediately tense back up like a springed coil.

I'm terrified. I can't breathe. I distantly hear monitors near my head sound an alarm I struggle to lift up my arms and run. My vision is blurred with tears but I still see Emmett run to my side. He grabs my hands and holds them,shushing me with his soft bass.

"Breathe Bella. You're okay. I've got you." he says softly.

I listen to him, his touch and deep bass voice help to slow my ragged breathing. Doc appears beside us and twists and turns the knobs on my IV bag.

"No, please." I whisper. "Don't … no more."

Doc gives me a sympathetic smile but I fear my pleas are either too soft to hear or are ignored all together because I feel body go limp as Emmett releases me.

Doc takes a seat in the chair beside my bed. He then addresses Emmett, though his eyes never leave mine.

"Thank you, Emmett."

I look up at Emmett and shake my head in refusal, willing him to stay where he is by my side, supporting me.

He gives my hand one more small squeeze and wipes away my tears, nods at Doc, and turns to leave. He motions for another man in the room that I hadn't noticed before to follow him out. He's dressed in white, so he must be a new nurse, and he has golden curls that he tucks back behind his ears. He looks back at me and the sad expression on his face makes me pause and stare a moment. He looks about as broken as I feel. He doesn't say a word, merely shakes his head before pushing his med cart out the door.

I turn my attention back to the Doc,who sits patiently by my side, notebook in hand.

My mouth turns down in a scowl.

"I hate being drugged. Time is … skipping. I keep losing hours … I hate that feeling." I tell him, my words coming out clipped and furious.

Doc continues to study my face silently. I can't help but bite my lip nervously under his scrutiny.  
_  
I'm forgetting the plan. I need to cooperate to get out of this place. I can't believe my mother would be admitted here. Why the hell did she come to Washington? She hates it here. _

Finally Doc speaks.

"How long have you been seeing your mother, Bella?" he asks.

"Not until yesterday. Why is she here?"

Doc's smile falters a bit and he hums, writing some notes on his pad.

"Did she talk to you?" he asks.

I scrunch up my face and try to understand his line of questioning.

_Does it really matter what she said? Why the hell is she here?_

The Doc waits patiently for me to answer. I bite my cheek, pulling threads on my bedspread that are loose near my fingertips and fight desperately to reign in my temper.

"Yes. She talked. She rubbed my back ... fed me pills. Why the hell was she anywhere near me?!"

My blood is burning hot and the pain in my head is returning. I feel angry tears welling in my eyes, but I squeeze them back, fighting to keep myself in check. I want to knock the asshole out for allowing that maniac anywhere near me. My fists clench but remain at my sides, impotent in the restraints that hold me to my hospital bed.

The Doc seems oblivious to my struggle,still scribbling away in his notepad. When he looks up his face is full of sympathy, his smile vanished.

"Bella. I know this hard,but I will help you figure out why you are seeing her. First,tell me what you remember of your last year in Arizona."

I stumble over my words, my jaw going slack in shock. "Why I'm ... are you serious? This has to be the most fucked up therapy on the planet! Do you have any idea what she's done ... how she is ... she left me on my own! She isn't a mother ... in fact I'm certain I've wiped vomit from her chin and calmed her fits far more than she ever did for me. It's not bad enough I have to talk my emotional cripple of a father, I have to reconcile with my crackhead mother too?! No thank you!"

The Doc frowns at my words. "Your father cares very deeply for you, Bella."

I narrow my eyes but swallow back my bitter reply to his statement. I'm certain my face hides nothing, splotchy red and covered in tears and I want nothing more than to roll over and hide away in my pillow but I can't even do that because he has me strapped to the goddamn bed!

"Charlie has been trying, Bella. He comes to therapy. He's learning to communicate his feelings. He truly desires to mend your relationship."

I'm surprised at this new information and for a moment I'm speechless. I try to turn and remember I can't move. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I'm immediately angry again at that, so I do the mature thing and growl at him, keeping my focus locked on the ceiling, wishing he'd disappear. Aware of how childish I'm acting but not really caring, I squeeze my eyes shut and start chanting "Go go go." softly under my breath.

Doc squeezes my arm and stands. "I think that's enough for now, Bella." He fiddles with my IV before I can plead with him not to again, the pain in my head making me wince before I can get out the words. I glare at him but he just gives me that stupid small pity smile before walking out the door.

I scream every obscenity I can think of at his retreating back and continue yelling myself raw until the drugs pull me back into sleep.

**a/n: Thanks to Casey, my rock star beta, and those of you still reading. I love you for sticking with this even though I have been slow to update. This has been a learning experience for me. Having a story written in my head is not the same as capturing it on paper. Trying to put my thoughts into words has never been so difficult, however I blame some of that on all the things my head is trying to hold and organize at the moment. and my ADD of course. :P (look something shiny!) **

**Thank you faithful readers!**


	17. Chapter 17

**BREAKING THE GIRL **

**CH 17**

**day 49**

The bright lights are murder on my eyes. I struggle to focus, squinting and hissing in pain. Two blurry figures sit beside me. Even though I can't make out their faces yet, I still recognize them on sight, their size alone giving them away.

"Hey guys." I rasp, my throat dry and scratchy.

Emmett grabs a white styrofoam cup from my bedside table and holds the straw to my lips. I suck down the water as fast as I can manage, my thirst is so terrible, as Alice starts rambling about her day.

I smile around my straw but then Emmett tries to pull it away and I'm holding on with my teeth and shaking my head, my now open eyes giving him a hard stare. I'm like a predator holding tenaciously to their prey. The burn in my throat has just started to lessen.

"My bad." He laughs, holding the cup in place obligingly. "Alice has missed you something awful, as you can tell."

Alice huffs and pushes Em's hand aside, taking control of my cup. He wisely moves, allowing her to take over, when she reaches up and grips it tightly. "We've ALL missed you, Bella. I hope you can come back soon."

I give the straw one final slurp, the loud intake of air and drops of liquid seem to echo off the walls, before I finally relinquish the now empty cup. Alice smiles like a proud mama and I half expect her to burp me, but I save her the trouble, lifting my arm and quietly belching into my hand.

"Excuse me." I say with a chuckle before I gasp with the realization of what just happened. I moved my arms! I'm no longer strapped down! I turn my wide eyes to Emmett, who nods in understanding.

"You behave and no more restraints."

I narrow my eyes at him.

He throws his arms up in surrender. "Doc's orders, Bell."

I sigh leaning back and looking back at Alice. "How's Leah?"

Alice does her best imitation of Leah's scowl. " Mean as ever." she answers. I laugh and Alice breaks character in a fit of giggles. "She asked after you too. No one at dinner to steal Tuesday night tacos from with you gone."

_Tuesday?_

"How long have I been in here?"

Its Emmett's turn to sigh as he pats my hand. "Five days. Took them three to get you to stop fighting the nurses."

_Five days. Holy shit._

"When ... I mean ... will I be released?" I stutter past the knot that's formed in my throat.

Em pats my hand again and his warm smile serves to thaw some of the chill that has crept up my spine at his news. "You should be released from here sometime today. Just don't fight the nurses and take your medicine, okay sweetie?"

I grimace but say nothing. I will take them only as long as they're watching me.

Alice winks and leans in close. "Just for now."she whispers. "Play along, sis."

I nod and hug her as Em stands up and pulls her elbow.

"Time to go back, Al."

His order makes her hug me even tighter.

"I will see you soon." I tell her and she finally breaks her iron grip from my neck. She's pouting but following Emmett's lead out the door.

Their short visit has left me exhausted and I find myself passed out before I can even fully pull up the thin quilt.

I wake up to a different visitor. A blue-eyed, curly mopped nurse, whose shadow of whiskers do nothing to hide the pink of his cheeks... the nurse I saw with Emmett. He's putting away a stethoscope, so I'm guessing he's already checked my vitals while I slept. Before I can comment on it, he speaks.

"You talk in your sleep."

His southern drawl throws me off for a minute. Then his words register ... and his blush.

I feel my cheeks heat and I'm tempted to hide under my covers.

He grins, finishing his notes on my chart. I breathe a sigh of relief when he walks away, saying nothing more about it. Just before he opens the door however, he turns, looking over his shoulder at me.

"That Edward is a lucky guy." he adds before he slips out my door.

_Great. I can just imagine what I might have said._

Edward ... Edward ... Edward ...

My stomach churns thinking about what Edward would say if he saw me now.

"It's not as if I can refuse the medicine." I yell at the empty room.

Doc of course chooses that moment to check in.

_Well, hells bells._

"Bella, is everything okay in here? The nurse assured me you were stable."

Doc gets up close, checking my pupils and my pulse while my brain scrambles for a logical reason for me screaming like a lunatic.

"I'm fine. Just embarrassed ..."

Doc looks at me questioningly, eyebrows raised. I swear under my breath, doubting my lame excuse will fool him, but I'm just too tired to come up with another reason.

_I would have went with 'I hit my elbow' but something tells me the good doctor would then be searching me for bruises. Besides, as long as I've been in this bed under 24 hour monitoring, he's bound to have heard something too._

My blush has returned just from the thought.

"It seems I talk in my sleep." I mumble, turning my heated face into my pillow.

Doc pats my arm. "Oh, Bella, don't let that trouble you. Somniloquy is a very common occurrence. Nothing to worry about. Now, I was considering releasing you back to the main floor today. Do you feel ready?"

I nod my head vigorously in answer,biting my tongue to keep myself from cursing loudly in response. I'm more than ready to get the hell out of here, out of this fucking bed, and out of the intense scrutiny of the man in front of me.

He smiles and something in his eyes makes me recoil.

"We are not done talking about what happened, Bella. You must get past this mental block in order to fully heal."

I nod again, my teeth now attacking my lower lip in an effort to restrain myself.

He starts writing in his trusty notebook again before standing. "Okay, Bella. Your medicine dosage has been increased by 10 milligrams, so you'll notice some grogginess at first. Get some rest and I will have Nurse Jasper finish up your paperwork."

"Thanks." I answer, knowing that zero verbal response from me will likely mean a lecture.

_Jasper ... my interest is piqued ..._

All that water has made it's presence known in my bladder and I lift myself up carefully.

The Doc pauses and looks over at me questioningly.

"I can get up and use the bathroom, can't I?" I ask in a huff, keeping the colorful adjectives I wish to add to that sentence to myself.

The Doc holds out a hand. "Yes, I suppose we can ask Jasper to remove the bedpan now that you are more lucid."

My face turns beet red once again and if it weren't for the screaming of my full bladder, I would be hiding under my blankets again in shame. I ignore his hand and stand carefully, holding the bedrails to keep myself steady. I hold tightly to the rails until they are out of reach and then lean against the wall to complete my journey. I slam the bathroom door in Doc's face.

It makes me feel slightly better.

Until I hear Doc's gentle laughter through the door. "Glad you are feeling stronger, Bella." he calls through the closed door.

I grumble as I take care of my needs. After washing my hands and walking back to my bed, I feel exhausted yet again.

It infuriates me. I hate feeling weak or powerless. I always have. I sit and scowl as the doctor discusses my release with Jasper. Doc leaves when they've finished their whispered discussion. Jasper makes his way back over to me and says nothing as he removes the bed pan and lowers the back of the hospital bed so I can sleep more comfortably. He does all of this without comment and I can't help but feel grateful. He pulls up my covers and leaves with a wink.

I think I may have a found another friend in this awful place.

**a/n: Thanks Casey for your beta work! Thanks to all of you for reading. Please review. :D**


	18. Chapter 18

**a/n: My beta has vanished to unkown places. All mistakes are my own. **

******BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CH 18**

**day 60**

Back in my room, I have become quite the accomplished actress, a mistress of illusion. I've spent every day since I've been released from the hospital pretending I'm fine. It was all a misunderstanding. I've just been under a lot of stress. They must have mixed up my medications. I was suffering from exhaustion.

The excuses spill from my lips like verbal vomit and everyone seems to buy it. Well, everyone except Leah and Alice. They know me to well. They both can see the tension in my shoulders. My odd behavior. My insecurities and fears. I force one or both of them to accompany me everywhere I go. I can't even go to the toilet by myself. Alice sleeps beside me at night.

It's irrational and paranoid and for the first time since I've arrived in this godforsaken place, I actually feel like I might be going crazy.

Deep down, despite all my excuses and denials, I know what I saw. My mother was here. Charlie and Doc produce a newspaper obituary. Doc says it will help me find closure and accept that she's really gone. Charlie cries and begs me to help him. He claims he only ever wanted to make me happy. He didn't know what was happening in Arizona. I never asked him to take me away. I never mentioned my mother's problems. He rambles on and on, never noticing the panic settling behind my eyes, oblivious to the impact the small clipping has had on me.

I return to my room, clinging to Alice as soon I see her and refuse to speak a word. Luckily, with Alice, no words are necessary. She sings to me and pats my head as we walk arm in arm to our room.

It's been a full week since I've taken the meds. As soon as I was able to escape from Doc's thumb, I started stashing the pills again. Edward hasn't returned yet, but I know if he came back and saw me drugged to the gills, he'd be gone for good.

Leah is her usual confrontational self. She got into some trouble while I was gone. Her mother and brother came for a visit. Apparently it did not go well. Her brother joined some kind of gang. Leah attempted to smack some sense into him. She earned herself three days isolation.

I guess we all come a fucked up family situation.

There has been one change in her demeanor that I can't quite explain. Leah has become fiercely protective of me since I returned. When I first returned to our room, my head was still really fuzzy, but I remember Leah telling me that I was special. Something about a shaman's gift and talking to the dead. She even hugged me. I'm half convinced the whole thing must have been a dream based on that odd event alone.

Leah doesn't touch people.

Yet, how do I explain why she has joined Alice in becoming my personal bodyguard? It's all so confusing. Another reason I couldn't keep taking those damn pills. My dreaming and waking hours overlapping, time loses meaning. Emmett has grown so accustomed to me asking about the date and time, that he tells me now automatically.

"Good morning ladies! Time for breakfast. It's Friday, oatmeal day!"

I laugh and shake my head at him. He truly is one of a kind. I stand and move towards the door, ready for my morning ambulations. Now that I've rid myself of the pills, my appetite has returned with a vengeance. Oatmeal sounds delicious.

But first, we must clean up. I look past Emmett and notice Nurse Carmen is nowhere in sight. Nurse Kate stands in her place, arms crossed and a look of irritation on her face.

I turn back to Emmett. "Where's Carmen?"

Emmett's smile shrinks. "She had a family emergency and took some time off work. Nurse Kate will be supervising today."

I frown but reluctantly follow the tall, blonde stranger down the hall. I'm slightly nervous. I want to smack myself for acting like a child, but this just feels wrong. Carmen has always supervised baths. She's become like a loving mom to all of us. She made us all comfortable and before long, I didn't even bat an eyelash about stripping down to bathe in front of her.

Nurse Kate had none of Carmen's caring demeanor. She scowled at us, like we were something disgusting on her shoe. She reminded me of Rosalie, only she wasn't only a snob. There was something in her eyes that made me uneasy.

We entered the bathroom, both Alice and I heading for the toilets. After we finished, we came back out to the main room to wash our hands. Alice's hands were shaking slightly and I realized she was scared of this unfamiliar nurse.

"Have you seen this Kate before, Ally?" I whispered.

She only had time to nod before Kate yanked on her hair and whirled her around.

"What are you waiting for? Strip!" she snarled.

I spun around too, ready to knock the blonde bitch off her heels. Her pinch to my shoulder was so unexpected, that I fell to my knees with a small yelp.

"Something to say, nut job?" she asked with a smirk, her pinched fingers causing spasms to run through my arms. I felt myself deflate like a balloon under her painful touch. I shook my head.

"Good. Now get in the tub!"

I moved quickly to comply, still unsure what the hell happened, but when I touched the water with one foot, I jumped back cursing.

"It's boiling!" I cried, hopping and holding onto my burning toes. Alice moved to the other tub and sunk in without a word. I wondered if the other tub was cooler. I really hoped it was.

"Alice, are you alright?"

She nodded and started methodically suddsing up her sponge in silence. Alice being quiet was peculiar, her dissonant songs usually echoing off the walls of the bathroom, but she didn't look hurt or upset so I let it go.

When I turned back to Nurse Kate, she was standing right over me. She was like an amazon, at least a foot taller than me, and I nearly tripped over my own feet in surprise of her proximity. She smiled evilly, taking advantage of my lack of balance and pushing me backwards into the scalding water.

"Start washing, dyke." she ordered, pushing roughly on my shoulder and forcing my head under the water. I came back up spluttering.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

Kate laughed.

Handing me the sponge, she stood and pointed to the bar of soap. "Get to it. I really have no desire to touch you if I don't have to."

My aching shoulder begged to differ, but I did as I was told. My skin was bright red and I couldn't stop the tears that streamed down my face, but I washed up quickly, eager to get away from this sadistic bitch.

I heard a splash and looked over to Alice. She had climbed out of the tub and was drying off in a hurry. She seemed just as eager as I to get the hell out of here.

"Stop looking at your girlfriend and wash!" Kate screamed, her hand yanking my hair up from my head and crossing me to cry out. I tried to push myself out of the tub but Kate pressed me back down under the surface, the water rushing up my nose. She yanked me back up again, the nose and eyes burning from the rush of soap and water. She had shampoo in her other hand and poured some on my head, scrubbing it roughly, before pushing me back under. I gripped the sides of tub, kicking my feet, but she didn't relent. Just as I was about to lose all breath, she pulled me back up and out of the tub.

"Stop! Please!" Alice was crying.

Kate just smiled cruelly and pushed a towel into my arms. "Whatever do you mean, little Alice. I was just helping Isabella wash her hair."

I wrapped the towel around me and grabbed Alice, pulling her over to a nearby bench, shushing her and holding her close.

Kate just rolled her eyes and huffed. "Hurry up and dress. No time for foreplay. Breakfast is getting cold."

I ignored her and helped Alice dress before pulling on my own clothes. After brushing our hair and teeth, I kept my arm around Alice and made my way to the door, giving Kate a wide berth as I went. She followed closely behind, pushing us along discreetly from behind with painful pinches to my ass. I turned and frowned at her but she just smiled serenely at me.

When I reached the dining table with Alice, Kate had disappeared. Leah took one look at my face and scowled. "Kate?"

I nodded before helping Alice spoon sugar and cinnamon into her oatmeal. She gave me a small smile but still didn't say a word.

I gave Leah a worried look.

"She'll be okay. Kate gets off on causing pain. Don't bother trying to report her. It never does any good. Just stay out of her way."

I shook my head, resolving for the fiftieth time to get the hell out of this hole.

"We could tell the Doc."

Leah bit out a sardonic laugh. "Bell, she's his niece. Nothing will happen to her. She's a predator. Just stay away."

I choke on the thick oats at her words. "A predator? Like she preys on the girls here?"

Leah shakes her head. "Not a sexual predator, Bella, but dangerous just the same. Just be careful."

I nod and swallow. I can still feel the sting from the soap in my sinuses and the oatmeal scratches my sore throat even worse. I push away my bowl and Leah immediately commandeers it, giving me a small smile.

"Good to have you back, Bella."

**a/n: Don't forget the box ... not my box, perv. The one that says review. Thank you! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**a/n: Big thanks to Casey for her beta work (she has returned, hurrah!). As always, thanks for reading and please review. **

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CH 19**

**day 62**

Three weeks.

It's been three weeks since I've seen Edward and the level of desperation I'm feeling at his absence crowds my mind. My heart breaks as I listen to Alice cry in the bed beside me, but I can't seem to break out of the zombie-like state I've reverted to. The ache in my chest has become more demanding and my thoughts turn dangerous as my mind tries to scramble around for a means to bring him back.

I have therapy today. Pretending is becoming more and more difficult and I know my mask is slipping. Doc suspects there's something wrong. I have a daily sessions now as Doc tries to "free me from my mental blocks." I've accepted that Renée is dead. I know that I've seen her, felt her beside me, talked to her, but at the same time I know that I must have imagined all of it. The obituary suspended by a paperclip inside the front cover of my journal is difficult to argue with.

Emmett normally walks me to Doc's office, making idle chit-chat down the hallway as he tries to draw me out of my shell. I love him for trying. He really is a sweet man. He has no way of knowing how broken I really am.

The door opens today to reveal Nurse Jasper. His smile looks strained and he seems to be studying my face.

"Hello, Bella."

His voice is that southern rasp that caught my attention in the hospital and my eyes snap up to meet his blue ones. A spark of curiosity runs through me again and I nearly gasp at the feeling. I'd nearly given up on feeling anything but empty. His smile becomes more genuine, lighting up his face and crinkling the corners of his beautiful sea colored orbs. I look closer and notice the green laced with blue. He puts out an elbow for me to hold.

"May I escort you to your appointment, ma'am?"

There's a slight tingling in my cheeks and it takes me a moment to realize it's from me smiling in return. I'm still too surprised to speak but I do reach out and take hold of his arm and follow him out of the room. When we reach the office and he raps on the door, the spell breaks. He leaves me at the door and I choke on the sadness that fills me once he's left. I sink into the chair opposite the desk and try to sort out my turbulent emotions.

"How are you today, Bella?"

I don't know if it's the concern in Doc's voice or the sudden vulnerability I'm feeling but I break down in tears. Doc hands me a box of tissues and gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Take your time."

I suddenly need to speak.

"I … I really miss him."

Doc nods but says nothing, patiently waiting for me to continue. I take a few deep breaths and wipe my face with a tissue.

"I've tried. I've tried to everything he's asked me to do. I've tried to stay strong and get … get better."

I know I can't tell him everything. I can't tell him about the pills or the late night visits but I need to shed some of this, lift some of the weight I'm feeling off my chest before it crushes me.

"I've only ever wanted Edward." I tell him with a sniffle. "He'd get jealous you know … he thought Jake was becoming too important … he would sometimes even try to push me into Jake's arms, saying Jake would be better for me. He said he would only end up hurting me."

I look up at Doc and am relieved that he is watching me, listening intently and not scribbling notes again.

"He didn't want to hurt me and yet he hurt me worse than anyone had ever done."

Doc nods but still says nothing, somehow knowing I'm not yet finished.

"I love Jake, but it's a different kind of love. Does that make sense?"

"Bella, there are many kinds of love. I'm assuming Jake is the Jacob you were friends with as a child."

I simply nod in answer, still looking at my knees and remembering what my dad told him about Jacob.

"The love you felt for Jacob was platonic but still strong. It may have matured into something else as you grew older if it had a chance. Edward was your boyfriend before coming here, correct?"

I want to scream curses at my father at this point but I know it's pointless and will probably just be another 'step back' in my therapy so I keep quiet other than a hum of agreement.

"Did Edward often have fits of jealousy?"

"No." I answer, not sure where he's headed this time.

"Did Edward often want to control where you went or who you spoke with?"

"No!" I yell over the small voice in the back of my head answering _'yes.'_

Doc puts up a placating hand. "Bella, did Edward ever ask to meet your father or did he want to keep you all to himself?"

I look up in confusion. "What? No … I mean we didn't go out much but … yes, he did ask to meet Charlie. I refused."

Doc nods his head. "Did Edward ever hurt you physically?"

I glare at him. "No." I grit out through clenched teeth.

Doc gives me a small smile. "Good. I'm glad. Do you have any contact with Edward now? Does he ever write?"

I know I need to steer this conversation in a different direction. I am becoming more and more likely to reveal too much and possibly punch the good doctor in the face if this goes on.

"No." I take a big breath. "I think he's avoiding me until I'm off the medicine and checked out of here."

Doc frowns and leans forward. "Bella, the medicine is to help you. You may have to take it after you leave here as well if you suffer from anxiety attacks or depression in the future."

I can't mask the disgust I feel at his words and my hands are now gripping my seat to keep me planted there. "I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to depend on drugs … become a self-absorbed addict who cares about nothing else." I spit out the last words, the bitterness creeping back into my voice. I pull my legs to my chest and swallow down the bile rising in my throat. It burns away the rest of my words and I go silent.

Doc waits a few minutes and finally speaks.

"Bella, you are not your mother but that doesn't mean you can't fall victim to the same mistakes. You know the medicine I've prescribed for you will help you to lead a healthy, happy life. You aren't succumbing to an addiction. You are taking steps to better yourself, to be your best self. The anxiety and depression you feel are not your choice, they are caused by an imbalance of chemicals in your brain that you do not control. You can however choose how to deal with your illness. Your father and I want to help you overcome these hurdles so you can move on with your life. I'm glad to hear that you've accepted your mother's death and are no longer misplacing the blame for your actions."

I have to bite my lip to keep from shouting out. I want to throw something and stomp out of the room.

I don't do any of these things. I nod my head mechanically and grip my legs tight enough to bruise. Doc sighs and stands up, patting my shoulder once more.

"Hour's up. Emmett is here to walk you back."

I stand and follow him out the door, the disappointment that Jasper didn't return swirling with the guilt in anger in the pit of my stomach.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: VIOLENCE WARNING FOR THIS CHAPPIE. **

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CH 20**

**day 64**

I suppose I knew this was coming. I knew she was depressed. I didn't smile. I didn't play games. I didn't chat about the other residents. I retreated into myself without the smallest consideration for how it might effect my best friend. My Alice.

I felt like absolute shit.

And I was tired of waiting. I was going to see Edward anyway I could.

At night I dreamed of his smiling face. He would look at me, lightly caress my cheek with his fingertips. His kisses were so soft, like silk moving across my lips. He would hum his favorite songs and tell me stories of when he was young, before his parents passed away. He reminded me to stay strong, reassured me we would be together soon.

Last night I dreamed we were lying together in a meadow. The meadow was a secluded clearing, deep in the forest, covered in wild flowers and so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. He laid out a blanket and we ate a picnic, laughing and planning our future like we used to do before he left me. He was so romantic. He brought champagne flutes and filled each one half way before handing me one and proposing a toast. 'To finding the love of your life and never letting go.' I smiled at his sweetness before taking a sip. It wasn't until the glass met my lips did I notice the diamond ring settled in the bottom of my drink. I think I squealed and he grinned, getting on one knee and proposing right there. I whispered yes, my voice choked with tears, before grabbing his face and kissing him with everything I had.

The dream was so real, it left me breathless and more desperate to see him than ever before.

Today, the day after Alice was dragged from my room sobbing and tearing at her hair, Kate came to collect me for the morning ritual. She opened the door, all narrowed eyes and evil smile, but instead of frightened, I felt inspired.

A plan was made between the hallways and as we entered the main doorway to the tub room, I took my chance. I rushed out of her grasp and into the medical cabinet, my eyes quickly searching the shelves. Seconds later, Kate was on me, grabbing my hair and pulling me back into the opposite wall, slamming me face first into the cement brick. My face split into a sly grin even as blood dripped from my temple.

The moment she pulled me away from the wall, my long hair still twisted in her fist, I flipped the blade in my hand open and held it steadily to her throat.

"You're move, Kate."

Her body went stiff and her grip on my hair became slack. She still spoke in the hateful tone she always used, like she might spit the words like acid in my face. I might not have known she felt any fear at all if not for the trembling of her fingers still caught in my hair.

"You're not a murderer, Swan. Just a cunt-licker." she answered snidely, but she did slowly untangle herself and put her hands up in the air.

"You should do it, Bella."

The sound of Edward's voice nearly made me drop the blade. I did release my hold on Kate in order to move over and see him more clearly.

He stood near the doorway, arms crossed and leaning against the sinks, looking relaxed as relaxed could be. He was so beautiful. He looked every bit as handsome as I remembered.

Except his face. His eyes were cold and dark as he stared at us both from across the room.

"You want me to cut …" my voice trailed off as I stared in disbelief from Edward to Kate.

"No, I don't want you to cut me. Listen, Bella. Put the shaver down and we'll forget this ever happened okay?" Kate answered slowly, nodding and keeping her hands palms up and visible.

Edward snorted. "Don't listen to her. She's evil, Bella. She's not going to forget. She'll punish you and then keep hurting people like nothing happened. You can stop it all now."

My head was starting to pound. This was not my Edward. This wasn't the Edward I knew and loved. He wouldn't want to hurt anyone. The whole reason I grabbed the sharp blade was to hear him tell me to stop.

_Not true. _

My mind helpfully reminded.

_Edward often said things that made you wonder if he had done bad things in the past. He always seemed like he was trying to pay penance for some crime committed before they met. He often told her that he was a dangerous man for her to love … _

I smacked a palm to my temple, trying to silence the murmurs in my brain. I turned back to Kate. One swipe of the blade across her throat and she'd be dead. She'd bleed out long before anyone ever showed up to rescue her. The thought of the skin of her neck separating, the blood staining her pale skin, the gurgling as she choked and struggled to breathe … those last thoughts caused me to nearly retch right where I stood.

I could never do this.

"I can't, Edward. I can't kill anyone."

Edward sighed and walked over to me, closing his hand around mine.

"It's okay, baby. I'll help you."

Kate looked at me in horror, skittering over to the other side of the bathrooms as fast as she could, sliding on the slick floor and falling to her knees. The sound of her bone cracking against the hard tile echoed in the room and she cried out, cursing at the top of her lungs.

"We have to do it now, Bella. Before anyone else comes."

I let him walk me across the floor, one arm wrapped around my waist, one arm steadying the hand that held the blade. No matter how much I dragged my feet, we were moving steadily closer, moving like dancers across a stage. I think I realized at that moment it was up to me to stop him.

"We can't do this, Edward. If I do this, they'll never let me go. I'll have to take the drugs again! I'll never be free."

That did make him pause.

"Who the fuck is Edward, Swan?" Kate called from the floor. She stayed against the wall on her hands and knees, eyes darting all over the room like a trapped animal.

Edward growled at my side and moved me behind him. Taking the blade in his own hand, he stalked the prone nurse still struggling to get her footing on the wet floor.

"Edward, please, stop! You don't have to do this!"

I grabbed his shoulder but he kept going like I weighed nothing at all. He looked sideways at me, his eyes flashing like two beams of light. I'd almost swear they looked the color of blood in that moment instead of their normal shade of golden brown. He had transformed into a monster I didn't even recognize and I released him at once.

"I do have to do this, Bella. I can't let her keep hurting you … hurting the others."

My tears had no effect and he was right beside her now, glaring at her and raising the blade above his head.

"Edward, no! Please don't kill her!"

He chuckled as he took a swipe at the arm she'd put up over her head, likely trying to defend herself from the oncoming assault. His laugh was like a cold breeze, chilling me to the bone. Blood splashed all over the floor and walls.

I fell to the floor beside Kate, trying to staunch the flow of blood from her arm but she kept pushing me away until she lost consciousness. Edward stood over me, stroking my hair, murmuring "It's going to be fine, sweet Bella. She can't hurt you." over and over into my ear. I wanted to smack him at the same time as I wanted to draw him closer for comfort. Instead, I drew up my legs to my chest, hugging them as tightly I could.

That's how Jasper found me. My clothes and hands painted red and my knees soaked with my tears.


	21. Chapter 21

**BREAKING THE GIRL**

**CHAPTER 21**

**day 65**

I woke up in a small room, a little disoriented. Jasper was shaking my shoulder, kneeling beside my bed with the most pathetic look on his face. I quickly squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to know what caused him to look at me with such pity.

That's when the memories of the day before suddenly came back in a whoosh, knocking me over like a tsunami.

"NO!"

Jasper took my hand and squeezed it.

"Bella … it's going to be okay. I need you to take your medicine. Can you do that for me?"

I shook my head, my eyes and mouth clenched shut as tightly as I could get them. Unbidden tears started streaming down my cheeks as I fell apart on the small cot.

"NO! NO! NO!"

Jasper hummed and sat me up, hugging me sideways and waited in silence. He knew that I'd eventually have to look … that I'd eventually have to face it … that I needed to know …

I kept my eyes closed and buried my head into his chest.

"Is she dead?"

My voice was muffled by his shirt but he heard my question. He rubbed my arm firmly and squeezed me even tighter. "No darlin. She's not dead."

I finally opened my eyes and looked into his face. He looked sincere and I sighed in relief.

"He didn't kill her." I exhaled, shaking my body from the tension and looking around the room. I was in isolation, that much was obvious. I wondered where Edward was and then I worried that he'd been taken by the police.

_He's locked up now … I just know he is. Fuck!_

"Who, Bella?"

I took a deep breath and confessed, my need to know what happened superceding my caution. "Edward. My … boyfriend. He was defending me … really. I don't think he meant to kill her." I stammered, biting my cheek at my lie. He was willing to kill her to protect me.

Jasper sat on the edge of the bed, his face pinched in confusion. "Bella … there was no one else in that bathroom. Just you and Nurse Kate."

My eyes shot up to meet his and I could see the concern in his eyes. "He got away?"

Jasper slowly shook his head and reached out for my hand. "Bella, there was no one else near the bathrooms. You and Kate were the only ones in the bathing hall. Kate told us that you cut her without provocation. We all know that's not true, Bella, but Carlisle insisted you be taken to isolation for the next few days. You don't have to make up an accomplice. We all know that she was mistreating you and we're prepared to defend you if needed."

He squeezed my hand, a warm smile on his face, but all I felt was cold inside. I pulled my hand away as quickly as I could, bringing my arms around my torso and holding tightly.

_How did Edward get away without anyone seeing him? Why would Kate lie and say it was me?_

I felt myself shaking, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't believe he left me to take the blame. Edward had wanted me to do the act myself but he had to know how much trouble it would cause me. He should have realized that it would make it that much harder to be set free from this place.

_Why would he leave?_

Jasper was still talking, asking me questions and trying to soothe me, but I didn't hear a word. My head was in such turmoil, I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. I wanted to shut him out. Shut the whole world out.

"Please leave."

Jasper stopped talking and stood. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'll be back to check on you soon."

"Leave me alone." I whimpered in response.

Jasper sighed, defeated, and left. I waited all of two seconds after the door latched close to sink into my pillow and cry myself to sleep. My dreams were filled with thoughts of the man I loved.

_The meadow I pictured in this dream was one he took me to so many times before. He and I were lying on our backs in the middle of the flowers, soaking up the sunshine and smiling. He held my hand in his, a beautiful smile on his face, and he told me story after story of his life on the road._

"_Bella, you couldn't imagine the isolation there. Alaska is just stretch after stretch of snow and ice, as far as you can see. There aren't any humans for miles, but the animals you could see were just incredible. We hunted polar bear! Can you imagine?"_

_I laughed and wrapped my arm around his waist, leaning up on my elbow so I could see his expressive face. I loved how it just sparkled with excitement and light. "Is it even legal to hunt polar bears?"_

_Edward turned his vibrant green eyes on me, shining with mischievousness. "For $35,000, you can hunt whatever you want if you know the right people."_

_I rolled my eyes and snuggled closer as he told me about the desolate landscape and the breathtaking aurora borealis. His travels then moved to Italy and then England. We shared only light kisses and caresses while he spoke, but I never felt more warm or loved. He promised to one day take me with him on adventures. _

_I closed my eyes and listened, allowing his voice surround me and drown out all my other senses. When he went silent, I looked back, only now he'd disappeared. I looked around but he was gone, vanished. The flowers were black and wilted. I looked at the ground beside my head and found a pile of ash._

_I started screaming._

I woke to gentle hands shaking my shoulder. I sat up, trembling, staring at the owner of said hands for several seconds before my brain caught up with my sorrundings.

"A dream? It was a dream." I said uselessly, my heart feeling like it might beat right out of my chest.

Not waiting for an answer, I threw myself into Jacob's waiting arms. "I've missed you so much."

Jacob squeezed me back, his high temperature blessedly throwing off my chills, and I just held on, drawn to his heat like a moth to a flame.

"I've missed you too, Bells. Why are you in a different room?"

"Isolation."

Jacob pulled back and took in my appearance. His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened in anger. "Edward?"

The pain was still too fresh and I shook my head and buried my face back into his chest. I couldn't talk about it right now. I didn't know if I ever would. Jake stroked my hair and my back, letting the questions go for now.

He really is an amazing friend.

Fifteen … twenty minutes go by with me crying and soaking his shirt and he doesn't say a word. When I finally feel cried out, I looked up into his gentle face.

"Thanks, Jake. You're too good for me."

His expression darkened. "No, I'm perfect for you. You're too good for him."

I shook my head, begging him with my eyes to just let it go. He sighed and pulled me back into his arms, once again rubbing my back. Suddenly we hear noise in the hall. Jake pulled away and looked out the window.

"Doc's coming."

I bit my lip and nodded. I figured he'd visit today at some point. "So, you're leaving?" I asked him. Then I frowned as something else occurs to me. "How did you get in here?"

Jacob simply grinned and waggled his eyebrows, taking a chair in the corner as the door opens to my cell.

"Hello, Bella. How are you feeling today?"

My eyes shoot from Jake to Doc and I can't help but be confused. "Am I allowed visitors?"

Doc plastered on his sympathetic doctor face and sat in the metal chair near the door. "I'm sorry, Bella. No visitors while you're in isolation. Do you know why you are here?"

I would rather jump off the building then discuss why I'm here to be honest, so I decided to ignore his question. "If I'm not allowed visitors, why is Jake here?"

Jake's eyes widen in shock, like he can't believe I just ratted him out. He's not exactly hidden. He's over 6 feet tall and sitting in the corner of a 8 by 10 cubicle.

Doc's eyebrows are all pinched together and he's looking at me strangely. It's making me want to hide under my blankets. I might even pull Jake under there with me if he stops making that betrayed look in my direction.

"Where is Jake, Bella?"

I rolled my eyes.

_What is with these men?_

"Umm … he's sitting right there in the corner of the room. Why are you both acting so odd?"

Doc frowns but says nothing. He's writing a mile a minute in his little notebook and I'm want to stomp my feet and scream.

So I do.

"What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!"

Doc nearly fell out of his chair in surprise. He quickly put away the notebook and placed a hand on both of my shoulders.

"Bella. I'm sorry. Everything is fine. Please, calm down. I'm just trying to understand."

I nod my head but I'm not happy. I cross my arms and wait for him to explain.

"Bella, Jasper mentioned that you saw someone named Edward in the bathroom with you when the altercation happened with Kate. Is Edward here too?"

I know my face turns sour and I look from Jake to Doc again, completely lost. I can't figure out if Doc is being deliberately obtuse or just fishing for information again.

It's making me a little crazy.

"I just told you. That's Jake. Not Edward."

Doc started acting really strange. He nodded sagely and pushed me to sit. He then kneels in front of me, glances around the room and then back at me. "Bella, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I can't see anyone in the room with us right now."

I shut my eyes, pushing my lids so hard with my palms I see stars.

I know what he's trying to say.

My world has just imploded.

**a/n: I'm sorry for the horrible wait. I was awfully discouraged when chapter 20 received ZERO reviews. Seriously, friends? What's the deal? I've apparently lost my beta (again). My life is almost as crazy as Bella's (Okay, not quite) but I will persevere! Mark my words! **

**Almost to the end now. The shit has hit the fan. Please be kind, review and tell me your reactions. **

**much love, missy**


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